Jacob Schles ∙ 04/08/2021 ∙ March 2021
This year’s Grammys smashed all expectations. It started weeks ahead of schedule and had surprise guest hosts, new categories, and 4-5 electrical fires. The event caught viewers’ eyes like never before. This year's Grammys were like the year itself: chaotic, impressively confusing, and somehow more disappointing than their predecessor.
The 2021 Grammys saw over 70 new category additions. These included, but were not limited to: Drummer Most Likely to Be Your Uncle, Dreamiest 2020 Election News Anchors, and Snakes. These new categories shattered the Grammys organizational committee’s disappointment level record—a record previously achieved by the 1973 Grammys for awarding every Grammy to the Vietnam War.
When asked about these additions, a Grammys spokesman said that “Randy from planning lost the categories sheet and tried to list them off from memory. [They] didn’t realize something was wrong until we reserved the dumpster behind Radio City for our venue.”
Unfortunately, the dumpster behind Radio City was occupied by three sad rats and a bag of fritos. Luckily, the host, George W. Bush’s painting of Jay Leno, was well-acquainted with these friendly neighbors. They let the Grammys be held in their esteemed home and even gave interjections to help guide the event.
Surprisingly, no errors occurred during the event, besides frito dust frying the laptop the Grammys were broadcast from. For 7 minutes, the Grammys were nothing but the audio of a painting of Jay Leno grunting as he tried to plug in his webcam. But that usually happens anyway. Winners for the night were shockingly few. After the painting of Leno was caught sneaking a peek into each envelope, 72 nominations were missing. The remaining winners, however, shocked viewers around the country. Everyone left:
The Best Catholic Folk Song category was a new one. “WAP” by Cardi B featuring Megan Thee Stallion was the decisive winner and the only nominee.
In the Worst Posthumous Album category, Bach’s “Sorry for Party Baching” won. It earned a metacritic “Metascore” of -7.2 and a user score of 6.7.
The Best Tsarist Russia Throwback category saw Lil Xan and Tchaikovsky’s collaborative mixtape “Xandemonium” winning. This left the other nominees (including 50 Cent, with “Get Poor and Die Trying”) disappointed but understanding.
The award for Most Misused Instrument went to Camilla from HR, who reportedly injured five of her fellow employees by playing a harmonica backwards.
In the Worst Root Vegetable category, one of many new food-related categories, the turnip won. We were very relieved to hear that.
In another food-related category, the Best Time to Eat Sour Cream with a Spoon category award was awarded to 5:30 a.m. Several judges died while trying different times; eating sour cream alone at 2 p.m. is illegal and punishable by death.
The Chainsmokers won an award as well, for Most Popular Band that You've Never Met a Fan of and Never Will. This will be their last award. Both members of the band quit after finding out that Devon from Hot Topic’s cashier position was now open.
Needless to say, the Grammys will not be returning. Rumors have it that music itself has been cancelled for the foreseeable future.