Imagine this: you’re going about your normal, everyday life. The sun is shining, the birds are singing, and there isn’t a care in the world. Perhaps you’ve done something bad in the past—but the past is past, despite the fact that it was literally five minutes ago and literally nothing has changed. Like, that’s not even the past at this point. It’s literally the present, and—

Getting off track. So you screwed up. It’s not a big deal—you can hide it! Nothing's wrong. Everything is A-OK! Until that dreaded moment. Maybe you get a call. Maybe you hear it from someone else. Maybe someone tells you when you get home. But it doesn't matter how you heard the news—it still reached your ears. What’s the news?

Mom is disappointed in you. God, how did it come to this? Mom? MOM? MOMMY? This is a betrayal of the highest order. You can never make up the colossal disappointment that is yourself to your mother. It’s so bad, how did you even get to this moment? Jesus, get it together! This isn’t the end of the world! Maybe you didn’t even like your mom!

Ignore that. Of course you like your mom. Unless you don’t. Then click off, idiot—this is for mom lovers only. Getting back on track after your really embarrassing interruption, here’s what to do now that your mom is disappointed in you.

Number 1!

Beg God for mercy, because although there’s a chance your mom will forgive you and stop being so disappointed, you will never be able to forgive yourself. Guilt is a sin (don’t look it up, just trust me, bro). So when you’re sent to the pits of hell, you will have to pray that God takes mercy on your soul and forgive you.

Number 2!

Only say these exact words:

*“I'M SORRY I'M SORRY I'M SORRY I'M SORRY I'M SORRY I'M SORRY I'M SORRY I'M SORRY I'M SORRY I'M SORRY I'M SORRY I'M SORRY I'M SORRY I'M SORRY…” *

Repeat them over and over again until you’re red in the face! Don’t worry about the dark spots in your vision; that means the apology is working. Your mom will be so desperate for you to stop that she’ll forgive you!

Now let's say that you’re a pathetic loser who can’t earn forgiveness after all that work. These are the steps you should take to earn Mommy’s forgiveness. For these steps, it is imperative that you remember that this is about you, not me, no matter how much it may seem like it’s about me. I am a pleasure to have around, and I would never disappoint my mom. Right, Mom? Mom? MOM? WHERE ARE YOU?!?