Dear Santa,

I’ve been a good little boy this year I swear. I don’t know what my mother said when she called you but I swear, I put a total of zero (!) kids' heads in the toilet at school. On the other hand, I have helped a total of seven kids with math homework and they passed the class! My mother told me that she is “Santa’s best friend” and that “Santa’s always listening.” That’s kind of creepy, I think you should stop. I have authority to say things like that to you on the grounds that my mother is your friend.

Anyways a couple days ago when I was much younger, I was walking on the street and I saw this kid. He looked exactly like me. No joke he was my legitimate separated-at-birth twin. I totally didn’t stalk him but it turns out that he goes to my school. And he’s a real bully. I saw him stuff four kids into a singular locker with an entire rotisserie chicken! Like where did he even come up with such a brilliant horrible idea? I also saw him eat a kids notebook straight off the desk papers and all; the kid was hysterical. “Oh no where will I take notes,” “My mother’s gonna kill me,” “I spent my lunch money on that trip to Muji.” It was really funny…Is what I would’ve not been thinking about had I witnessed that. Obviously my doppelganger is evil, twisted, wack in the noggin’ or whatever you want to call it but I’m not. I’m a good little lad with an evil doppelganger who terrorizes children for fun and also has the same first and last name as me. Don’t check the yearbook because there’s only one picture and it’s me. The yearbook committee said something about “taking advantage of identical twins to cut printing costs.” And also, you’ll never see me and my doppelganger in the same room because I despise that tottering maggot-pie and I can’t stand the smell of his personality. I mean, can you blame me? He once threw a computer cart out a seventh floor window and it killed a rat! A rat!

So, just a quick reminder Santa, when you’re making your naughty and your nice lists this year, I’m not that kid. I’m the other one. The nice one who does nice things and cares about rats and other rodents and such. Got it? Call my mom to confirm before you make any hasty decisions ok?

Bye, Scotty