Alien Abduction of Cows Reduces Atmospheric Methane

Sadie Allspaw12/23/2021December 2021



New research study shows alien abduction of cows to be a major force in stopping climate change because it prevents them from farting and releasing a no-good greenhouse gas called methane. In fact, places with more alien UFO sightings such as Idaho and Utah show a 10% decrease in cow farts. Things that Help the Climate One New Mexico town has actually started worshiping these aliens, which they used to be scared of. Upon closer inspection, people appear to be lighting candles, leaving out Reese's Pieces, and some townspeople have even started sacrificing small animals, such as birds and squirrels. We talked to the leader of one of these alien fan clubs, Bobert Snot, a "former" conspiracy theorist. “I used to be scared of the little green men. They tried to control my thoughts and replace my family with imposters. But now I’m just glad the polar ice caps have stopped melting. If you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em. It’s official– I’m hanging up my tin foil hat.” Some have begun to vote for these aliens as their local representatives. It’s a phenomenon that has spread, now seen in about 500 small towns. We interviewed Dr. James Butterfingers, a leading political scientist, to tell us about these strange patterns. “Actually,” Dr. Butterfingers says, “I’ve run the numbers… Trust me, I have run simulation after simulation. Each time, the aliens end up being the best choice for office… Excuse me, I have to go.” Shortly after, Dr. Butterfingers resigned due to how “absolutely ridiculous American politics have gotten.” Through much scientific innovation, NASA was able to momentarily establish communication with these aliens. “If you let us become your overlords and take over most of your major cities to use as breeding grounds, we promise to create jobs in the sustainable energy industry, and to dedicate more resources to helping endangered species.” While these aliens seem nice, we think they’re a little optimistic.

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