Dear readers of the Radish, I have issues. There are many, but the biggest has to be my insane anger toward a movie franchise that I’ve never watched a second of. Every night I stare blankly at the ceiling, stewing in rage. I pray, hoping for an answer from any supreme being, yet I only receive more questions. Why? Why? Why are the Fast and the Furious movies named so weirdly?

The imperial, oppressive franchise known only as The Fast and the Furious, an arguable cornerstone of American media, has created a fit of anger so deep inside me that the only way I can let it go is through an article for a high-school satirical paper. HOWEVER, let it be known that none of this is satire and that all the opinions stated are that of me, Bora Bromberg, who hasn't even watched the movies. Let's begin.

Exhibit 1: The Fast and the Furious

This one is fine. It's the beginning, and they are letting us know exactly what to expect: They are FAST and you better believe that they are FURIOUS. As you can assume from before, I have no idea what the actual plot of this movie is, but I approve of it nonetheless.

Exhibit 2: 2 Fast 2 Furious

Oh my God. This is it. They have perfected movie titles. Not only is it clear that this is movie number 2, we now have some conflict. According to the opinion of someone, these guys are TOO fast and furious now. Who knows what they may be up to. I hope whoever came up with this title was paid well, and I hope whoever came up with the next eight dies painfully.

Exhibit 3: The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift

Ok. Ok. This one is fine. Obviously, it would have been divisive to name it 3 Fast 3 Furious, so I understand why they didn't. However, why the subtitle? The other ones didn't have any? Anyways, it can’t get worse (SPOILER, IT DOES)

Exhibit 4: Fast & Furious

HUH??? HUH??? IT'S JUST THE SAME AS THE FIRST BUT WITHOUT THE “THE”S????? This is it, at no point in our miserable existence has humankind stooped lower. Also, at no point does it say it's the 4th movie. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO KEEP UP? My heart is in shambles.

Exhibit 5: Fast Five

Something important must have happened in the last one because they seemed to have calmed down. And honestly, I appreciate the change in attitude. What I don’t appreciate, however, is that they have randomly decided to put the numbers back in it. Someone, please explain what consistency is to Vin Diesel (Mr. Fast).

Exhibit 6: Fast & Furious 6

I think we made Mr. Fast mad again because the Furious is back. That also poses the question, are the entirety of the characters both fast and furious, or are they separated into two groups (fast and furious)? I don’t plan on finding out; I don’t have the time. Also, WHY is six written as a number, while the previous wrote five as the whole word? Please, Mr. Fast, have some kindness in your heart to stop this madness.

Exhibit 7: Furious 7

Ok so now he’s not fast anymore. Maybe he has retired? Maybe this will be the end of my suffering? Probably not!

Exhibit 8: The Fate of the Furious

PLEASE. LET THIS BE THE END. LET THEIR FATE BE DEATH.

Exhibit 9: F9

The names keep getting smaller, and so does my faith in Mr. Fast. What does the F stand for? Are they fast or furious, because according to the previous titles they have a tendency to switch. Why do they keep making these movies? Who is watching them? Not me!

Exhibit: Fast X

I am so tired. At no point in the history of this franchise have they followed the same naming convention for more than one movie. All that I know about these movies is that Vin Diesel drives a car and loves his family. In no world would a franchise with that plot need to cause me so much pain. I could be putting all the energy inside of me into a good cause, or maybe into my own self-improvement. However, just as I never plan on watching these movies, I never plan on getting any less mad.