When I first heard the talk of my lovely homeland, Canada, becoming the 51st state of America I screamed, “Hearsay!” But when my mother calmed me down she took my hand and told me it was true. Trump, the real deal president, was actually trying to purchase our northern neighbor.

But then I realized something crazy. Trump can’t have Canada, cause she’s mine. Yup, that’s right, I already own the damn place. And Justin Trudeau is A-OK with it.

Let me tell you how it happened. So there I was, in my living room, wondering what to do with the money I got from the bank. It was a large sum that I got from the basement of a fancy bank in Manhattan and so I wanted to spend it wisely. I had to do a lot of sneaky things to get it but my mother told me that telling people to “get on the floor” is how she always withdraws money from her accounts.

The money filled up every room of my house so I bought another small Manhattan penthouse to go to where I could think about what to spend my fortune on. And then it struck me. Canada. Who wouldn’t want to own ten provinces and three territories in one of the coldest, least densely populated places in the world?

After I was enlightened with this idea, I sought out a method to acquire the beaver-filled land. First, I looked on Amazon, but the only countries they sell there are Cyprus and Micronesia. I thought, go big or go home, but I couldn’t go home cause my couch was covered in dough, so I scrolled past those and went to eBay. I thought I’d found something, but it was just a magnet of Canada.

Naturally, after my fruitless search, I called up Justin Trudeau and I said: “I’d like to take it off your hands.” “What off my hands?” “Canada.” And then he sighed very loudly so the earth shook and replied. “I’m quitting anyway. Maple-syrup land is all yours.”

I thanked him, asked him when I could pick it up, and hung up the phone.

That’s basically how I became King of Canada.

If Trump wants to get Canada from me, he’ll have to find me chilling atop the highest mountain peak in Alberta and pry the nation from my cold dead hands.