This morning, American entrepreneur and founder of Amazon, Jeff Bezos, has announced his plans to drill towards Earth’s core. In a recent press release announcing the plan, Bezos states, “After my brief voyage in space, I realized it is incredibly boring. Going into space’s giant black expanse is not as exciting as one may think. I only saw, like, two planets. Maybe three if I squinted. For this reason, I have decided to explore the world down below instead.” Bezos then pulled a blanket off of the drill, revealing his new state-of-the-art technology—what appears to be the phallic spaceship he took to the edge of space, except flipped upside down with “DRILL” written on the side with a sharpie. Outside of Blue Origin’s headquarters in Kent, Washington, many gathered to protest this decision. “This will kill the Earth!” said Annie Castillo, a local environmentalist. “But it’ll be so good for the economy!” one completely unbiased Amazon spokesperson responded. “Jeff Bezos is trying to return to his mole-person family!” Richard Davids, a “Mole-Truther,” proclaimed. “This will disturb the mole-people population!” Martin Moleman, a self-proclaimed “not-mole-person,” said. “If Bezos drills too deep into the Earth, he will reach the mole people’s center of operation, where they definitely do not control the governments every single move,” elaborated Moleman. Blue Origin still plans to continue this expedition, despite the mole people’s outrage, with an estimated finish date of November 13th. In other news, expect a new Amazon warehouse below the crust of our planet. Delivery faster than the melting of the ice caps!