Birds Are Real

Carmen Tan01/07/2021December 2020


Word on the street is that birds don’t exist. Understandable. I mean, them being government-made robots makes perfect sense. After all, haven’t you noticed that they fly away when you run at them? Obviously a defense so you don’t see their mechanics. Or, haven't you noticed how birds steal people’s food? That would be explained if they were government drones; the government needs to take saliva samples to check if their plans are running smoothly. The food would then be given as a snack for the bird manager. And, if birds were government drones, coos and chirps could be from echolocation tests. Again, just to check that everything is as it should be. Birds being government drones would make sense. Recently, however, we were told that birds are real, live animals. Crazy, right? Birds are real, live animals—like the ones that you see in your neighbor’s house! Like dogs and children, birds are real, live animals. It’s really crazy the amount of evidence brought to our attention to prove that birds are, in fact, real, live animals. Apparently, with the assumption that birds are real, live animals, birds are descendants of dinosaurs. Dinosaurs! Can you believe that? Those great creatures which lived thousands of years ago. The creatures who all, allegedly, died when a meteor crashed onto the earth. Those are the ancestors of birds. Quite remarkable if you ask me. Really a bit unbelievable, but, heck, perhaps unbelievable enough to be true. I mean, we did have an annoying orange for a president and the election was still close. I’d believe a lot nowadays. As further evidence for why birds are real, live animals, people have been, allegedly, hunting birds and eating them. Apparently, they taste good. Because we are proving that birds are real today, I’ll rule out the theory that they might just be meat-looking-and-tasting materials. So, this means these birds are “animals” that have bodies with meat—and bones, apparently! This is absolutely crazy, but this must mean that birds are real. In addition to that, there have been sightings of birds flying into windows and dying. Governmentally speaking, having creations unable to avoid a common building material is a bit inefficient. So, I suppose that is another convincing argument that birds exist. Well, there you have it, folks! Birds exist. They’re not random specks in the sky, nor are they pieces of government spy machinery. Cats, on the other hand, might be another story.

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