Brooklyn Tech To Adopt Socialism

Joshua Weisman07/01/2019Volume 2

#Timeless news

In a recent interview, Brooklyn Tech administrators revealed that the school would soon be adopting new socialist policies that will, “wipe clean the stain left by the bourgeois from this noble institution,” beginning in the fall of 2019. The new policy, originating directly from the People’s Commissariat of Education itself, states, “Grades will all be added together and dispersed equally to all students to avoid inequality in any form.” Essentially, any form of grade tracking would be averaged and spread amongst students equally in the name of Mother Russia.

Many are curious as to how college admissions would work if everyone had the exact same GPA. When asked about this, another administrator said: “As long as all kids are equal and have no reason to feel that another student is doing better, then all is well in my book.” From this statement, most have concluded that this new policy is less about practical equality and more about hurt feelings.

“Uh, no it’s all about making sure everyone feels equal,” an administrator stuttered when asked about the policy. Apparently, they understood that the school using that very policy ruined all incentive and made it so nobody had to do any work, but all was well in the name of total educational equality.

The SGO has pledged their undying support for this new policy and is now even selling pins featuring everyone’s favorite communist heroes in the SGO store, including but not limited to, Karl Marx, Vladimir Lenin, Leon Trotsky, Ioseb Besarionis dze Jughashvili, Radimir Rutin, and Mikhail Gorbachev’s Birthmark. For those wondering, the pins cost $50 and only cost ~50 cents to make. 3% of the profits will go to the Comintern and will help socialism prosper in all the places that it has been established in.

Venezuelan leader, Nicolás Maduro, when questioned said that he was “excited” about the new changes, and is likely to “host a glorious military parade for school” sometime in June. The Brooklyn Tech Parent Association is eager for the Maduro’s visit and is planning on holding a banquet in his honor.

An anonymous FBI official claims that the school will be raided immediately after he visits and that “there will be casualties, likely in the hundreds, maybe in the thousands, and possibly in the millions.” In response the school has said that “the FBI has no right to invade a burgeoning beacon of socialism,” and that “any direct attack on BTHS soil will lead to immediate nuclear retaliation.”

Once all is said and done, it’s likely Brooklyn Tech is projected by many to go from the largest high school in America to either America’s largest bread line or pile of smoldering ruins, as the FBI is ever so pushy with their continuous threats of a raid. Hopefully, this policy will fade away and BTHS will finally break up into the 19 individual schools it should have always been.

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