Lawer Nyako ∙ 01/28/2022 ∙ January 2022
It’s finally time for wearing 31 shirts to come back in style. And with this fashion trend’s return, thanks to the brilliant construction of Brooklyn Tech, the layer-shifting dance returns as well. Yes, thanks to the school’s magnificent heating, if you can’t keep up, you will become either a popsicle or popsicle puddle. This system is worth it, though, because the freshies must learn how to pull themselves up by their bootstraps. Once their boots are thoroughly strapped and pulled, they can use their newfound skills to find the most creative ways to complain about all their problems (like writing for a satire newspaper named after a root vegetable). An integral part of the bootstrapping and 31-shirt experience has become characterized by being coated in crystallized water particles, giving Tech students the ability to become an even bigger popsicle or popsicle puddle, depending on where they are in the building. Unfortunately, only 14 of the 31 layers have been necessary in recent months (or is it years I don’t know anymore) since for some cow fart-related reason the precipitation in winter has been lacking. This has caused the freshmen to become even more extraneous than they already are. They began to revert back to their feral 8th-grade selves, making the already unsafe job of 9th-grade teachers even more dangerous.
While government espionage took away the potential sleep time you’re supposed to get in these conditions, the upperclassmen have gotten much joy from seeing freshies frolic and suffer, confused by this wintered rain.
As some kind of slush-like substance develops outside, there have been reports of body imprints with giant bag-like appendages in the frosted ground. Suspiciously enough, at the same time, there have also been reports of wet backpacks and people falling all over the school. I blame the freshmen for this, their undeveloped legs lacking experience with the ground getting slippery after precipitation. I blame their obliviousness to the fact that this precipitation can drag itself indoors with them. They haven’t had the time to master the various advanced walking techniques (i.e. the penguin waddle or the slip-skate) to correctly navigate these very-slow-water conditions, and thus their naive brains choose to walk with false confidence, leading to human dominos on the stairs and this general chaos. In comparison, the upperclassmen, after years of soul-crushing work and calf-sculpting stair climbing, have mastered the art of not caring about how you look while walking and doing whatever it takes to not end up as the plaintiff in a slip and fall case. We get to laugh at the foolish freshmen trying to walk around.
At least on this weather-full day, we had the immortal scaffolding as our loyal companion. It provided protection from the sky’s falling mini ice particles and thus helped to minimize the number of impromptu ice skaters around Brooklyn Tech.
One thing that’s fun to do while navigating the outside of the building is watching to see the differing strategies of keeping warm which encompasses the scaffolding as an important role in it. This includes becoming a curled-up stick of human body heat and bouncing and spinning around like a ball in gym class that no one has figured out who the owner is and is just a fun thing to watch for the people sitting out. Overall though, the first freezing sky water day of this school year has brought both great joy and great despair to tech students from the exhausted experienced seniors to the stupid wide-eyed freshman. Many socks were later rung up to dry (the puddle looked like ice okay) and many landlords were yelled at. But also many got to experience the joy of creating water-based life and hypothermia-inducing projectiles.
Lastly, some advice for the next group of freshies. Figure out how to walk before you go outside, it’s a little funny the first few times, it stops being funny the 4th time, and just gets sad the 26th time.