The chess community is celebrating! Chess developers have finally returned to update their game. For months, there were speculations that chess was finally going to receive an update after centuries of waiting. And now the developers have not only come with changes but also their reasoning behind their changes. If you are in any way interested in chess, or you want to see what the nerds in your English class have been screaming about, this is a must-read. Chess 2.020 Patch Notes:

• Removed the bishop.

  • The bishop was overpowered in certain openings, such as the Scholar’s Mate, the Beethoven’s Ninth, and the Roll n’ Tumble Down The Hill. It was abused by many players to get an unfair, easy win. We were unable to balance the bishop, so we removed it.

• Added the eldritch horror.

  • This piece now takes the place of the bishop. While it cannot capture pieces, the eldritch horror frightens the piece one tile in front of it. This paralyzes the piece for one turn.
  • Use this piece with caution. Some of your opponent’s pieces may be horror movie enthusiasts and therefore unaffected.

• Weakened the king.

  • We thought allowing the king to move on its own was inaccurate. Kings are usually filthy rich, and so they wouldn’t travel by themselves. Nine pieces must surround the king as a convoy in order to move it.

• New Cards:

  • Seven of hearts.

    • If you’re a long time chess fan, you’d know that the seven of hearts was removed in 1288 by the Real Council of Good Chess People (RCGCP) due to balancing issues. Now we’ve brought it back!

    • The seven of hearts can now delete one tile from the board, rather than one hundred.

  • Blastoise, Porygon, and [copyright infringement from Nintendo].

    • We’re proud to present that Pokemon and chess are finally collaborating! This is what fans have been asking for since the beginning of Dr. Pokemon herself, so we’re happy to give you what you have been begging for! These cards function the same way they would in a top-tier Belarusian Pokemon game, unless your opponent opens with a Roman set: then it’s a Vietnamese game.

  • “+4” cards.

    • We know, you fans haven’t been looking forward to this, and many of you despised the decision from our first announcement, but we know that this was a necessary addition to the game. And yes, you can stack “+4” cards on top of your opponent’s “+4” cards.

• Bug fixes:

  • Fixed a bug where a pawn becomes another piece upon reaching the opposite end of the board.
    • Fixed some texture issues. The game should now work in color mode.
    • Fixed a bug where only your seventh grade science teacher is willing to play chess with you.

We hope that these fixes make chess more enjoyable. Please contact the developers at chesspeopleofchessyeswelikechessalotchessiscoolbutdentalcareiscooler.net/contact/suggestions/%FH72gdfs/ to request other changes. We hope to make chess amazing. See you in 2768!

This blueprint displays the final version of the Eldritch Horror piece, which took seven years to develop.