Eli Steingardt ∙ 01/28/2022 ∙ January 2022
Yo, yo yo what’s going on, my fellow burned-out Tech students! The New Year is here and we are pleased to present a list of the hot new allergies due to drop this spring. You’ll find a wide variety of unpleasant conditions, all of them new, so pop that Pepto, chug those Antihistamines, warm up those particle accelerators, and get ready to shut yourself inside for three months! Again! I swear if there’s another lockdown, I’m gonna- Starting off strong, we’ve got an allergy to stairs! That’s right, guys, gals, and nonbinary pals, for those of you who really need an elevator pass, we’re bringing back the Stair Allergy! It went on hiatus last year to deal with its divorce, but it's back and ready to slay! Symptoms range from an upset stomach to dizziness to spontaneous combustion whenever your foot touches a stair! If you want an elevator pass, this ones for you! You can pick it up by licking the third rail at any platform in Atlantic Terminal. Happy sampling! Next up, we’ve got the holographic food allergy ultra-rare wild card of this season: The Cardboard and Glue Dynamic Duo! Now, we’re all high school students here. We might pull all-nighters and forget breakfast, so we might, on occasion, go to Rocky’s and buy 30 pounds of cardboard and glue as a pre-1st period snack. Wait, you guys don’t do that? Well, if you did, you can’t anymore. Cardboard and glue have been classified by the FDA, CIA, NSA, CVS, and CTC as Sigma Level Allergens, as “avoid this like you would avoid someone who unironically calls themselves a sigma.” You know this one, you hate this one, but she’s back, now with more protein spikes! It’s Pollen II: Mucus Boogaloo! (Expecting something else with protein spikes? No idea what you’re talking about.) Pollen II is like the pollen from flowers but found in computer motherboards instead. And they called me crazy for writing this article on a typewriter I stole from R. L. Stine! If you needed another reason to shun the kids in the programming major and/or skip APCSP, Pollen II’s got your back! Symptoms are like normal pollen allergy symptoms but multiplied by a million. We’re not kidding. or ; we tested it and measured it three times. Word of advice: don’t let someone with this allergy sneeze in a confined space. There’s enough snot to drown at least 5 test-subject-sized humans… I mean, what? Who said that? Last up, we’ve got an allergy to the Internet. I know, right? Everywhere I go, I see kids, teens, adults, hell, just last week, I saw an old lady with a walker on the B train getting a triple kill on Valorant. They’re all using the Internet. No longer with this new ailment! Combined with the Pollen II allergy, we should probably just get rid of computing devices altogether. Look on the bright side; at least we won’t have any more Google Classroom homework! You’ll be able to tell if you have this one: if you’re within 100 feet of a router or server, you’ll explode! You know, I’m really not regretting setting up this biological weapons laboratory and cooking up all these new allergens in the middle of the Pacific Northwest forests. The smell of redwoods and people exploding works wonders on the sinuses! All right, Tech students, that’s a top 4 list of my personal favorite allergies due to drop in 2022. Of course, there are so many more that I haven’t mentioned. I look forward to the carnage that’ll ensue in the spring. But then again, it wouldn’t be a Tech spring without carnage. I wouldn’t have it any other way. Wear your masks, people, and remember to smile under them. Till we meet again.