Aramie Ewen ∙ 11/28/2020 ∙ November 2020
As the popular saying goes, "If it looks like a goose, swims like a goose, and honks like a goose, then it is probably a duck." But why? Why do ducks keep going in goose suits? The saying makes no sense if you really think about it. Where would ducks be getting the suits? Are there geese, or have geese always been duck tuxedoes? How would the suits work, too? Do ducks climb inside gooseneck lamps? If ducks use gooseneck lamps as goose suits, that would explain why ducks ask for bread crumbs and spare change. After all, they have to fund their goose metamorphosis somehow. But, besides the question of funding, “goose” suit mechanics make no sense. The proportions are off. A duck's legs are significantly smaller than a goose's legs. Therefore the duck must be wearing stilts—or hiding inside a very long gooseneck lamp. Or both. But then where do its legs go? Well, where do you think? The lamp’s neck. But there is another unresolved question regarding this model: ducks’ necks are shorter than “goose” necks. Simply put, duck appendages don’t fit with the “goose” model. The current "goose" model just doesn't fit. So, here is my revised “goose” diagram: Yet people still give ducks bread crumbs! If people didn’t give ducks bread crumbs, we wouldn’t have these deceitful “geese”! The gooseneck (duckneck) lamp in my diagram is worth nearly two peking ducks. We price their suits higher than them! And then those ducks need to buy the stilts. As you can see, the ridiculous goose suits are pricey. The ducks’ bread crumb market must be strong. Undoubtedly, ducks are selling bread crumbs marked up dozens of times the original price. And maybe some people say I'm crazy for questioning this natural order. Maybe my ranting landed me in that mental asylum. But what if I’m the only one who’s right? After all, if the answer to the duck–goose question is so obvious, why don't you just tell me? There’s simply no clear answer to this absurd mystery. Seriously, who do those silly ducks think they're fooling? They aren’t fooling an intellectual like yourself, and they certainly aren't fooling me. The only ones they seem to be fooling are themselves. So, why do they bother dressing in “goose” costumes? We all know the saying. Why don’t we just call “geese” what they are? Why humor the ducks?