Gabrielle Greenblatt ∙ 02/25/2021 ∙ February 2021
Your secretary wouldn’t give me your address, so I’m putting this in a place I know you’ll see it. Basically, I know you’re busy being governor and all, but imma need you to do me a solid. You know this vaccine thing you’ve been rolling out? Drop it. My life has been so much better since Ms. Rona came to town. My commute used to be 45 minutes of listening to a guy shouting about the end of the world, but now I just have to deal with 45 seconds of hearing my dad shout at his subordinates about the end of their jobs. And I can eat my lunch dino nuggies fresh from the oven. I don’t even have to share! I used to get a crick in my neck after my third period nap, but now that they’re from the comfort of my own bed, I wake up refreshed and ready for my 4th period instagram meme sesh.
Besides, moving my after-school activities online means one less teen pregnancy this year.
Oh, and the bathroom. Don’t even get me started on the bathroom. Not only does the door close every time—it locks. There’s no one vaping or filming tiktoks. So, when I remember to mute myself, there is no mic picking up the plop of that dino nuggie deuce. Seriously guys, the bathroom is for taking care of business, not renegading. Besides, it’s kinda too late for me to go back to school. One look at me and the gym teacher will know I've been lying on my workout logs. I also don’t think I can take a test without Quizlet open anymore, or answer a question without Google. And people will realize my Zoom icon isn’t really me. So, thanks in advance, gov. This will really make my life a lot better. I wish we could stay and chat more about some ideas I have regarding the legal drinking age, but right now I’ve got to go and call my grandma to break the news.