Jacob Schles ∙ 02/25/2021 ∙ February 2021
An excerpt from the guidance department’s pledge:
Okay, you caught us. We’ve been crunchin’ away on packs of that new flavor of hot chicken chips for the past, what, eleven months? They’re okay. A little tangy, a little too lemony—but we’re done with our metaphorical bags of chips now. We’re ready to help.
From now on, we’ll stop googling the email addresses of local representatives minutes before a session and saying they work for us. Also, just for the hell of it, we’ll stop making paper airplanes out of your report cards. Surprisingly, most of them don’t fly back to us.
Additionally, you won’t be able to get one over on us about those elevator passes. I don’t care if you survived two acid attacks and a brain hemorrhage, you’re walking. You guys are whiny anyway. “Oh, but my schedule is in Simlish and I’ve got seven lunch periods.” Okay, so what? Learn Simlish and start liking food a lot more. Humans are malleable.” Needless to say, students weren’t a huge fan of the letter. Six months went by without changes, except for that the guidance department started making boomerangs out of report cards instead, probably to increase the likelihood of them returning. So, to protest the lack of change, students did what had to be done. Trash cans were kicked over (and promptly picked back up). The “CLOSED 8 a.m. through 3 p.m.” signs hung on counselors’ doors were torn to shreds (and then properly disposed of). Students even used Radish articles as an outlet for their anger, but nobody’s reading those, so no cleanup was required. This should have initiated a war between the guidance department and the discontent students, but that would require the guidance department issuing a statement. The head of the department could be heard saying this from her office, though: “The keyboard... so far from this beanbag chair…”