Ramon Li ∙ 04/01/2022 ∙ April 2022
This time on Hell's Cafeteria: Four students in the Law and Society major, Lil Debil, Sammie-Wammie, Ovaltine, and Daniel, will be competing in the Boys’ Bathroom Challenge to decide who will enter the final round and become a head chef at Rordon Gamsay’s Hell’s Cafeteria in Brooklyn Tech, New York City.
“This challenge should be simple even for Technites like you,” Rordon Gamsay explained, “You will be cooking a large bowl of noodles for the poor, starving souls outside who are probably cutting class. However, you can only use the tools available in this bathroom and this fridge of ingredients. Alright? Begin!”
Sammie-Wammie and Ovaltine got off to a strong start, mincing onions, broccoli, and lettuce with their bare hands, as any LAS student would. They then heated up several slices of ham under hot faucet water. But then, disaster struck. Just as their sink could pump no more hot water, Rordon Gamsay began staring at them through a tiny gap in a bathroom stall.
“What are you doing with that sad lump of meat?” Gamsay screamed while flushing the toilet, “And I’m not talking about you Sammie-Wammie. I’m talking about your sorry excuse for green eggs and ham, which you shouldn’t even be making. Dump that out and restart. Sam-I-Am, more like Sam-I-Amn’t!”
“Yes chef,” Sammie-Wammie sobbed.
Around the corner, Daniel was busy soaking a slab of chicken in the toilet. “Hey nitwit,” Gamsay roared, “We’re not here to protest the bathroom policy. Stop vandalizing that toilet and put that chicken in the sink. Capiche?”
“Capoche,” Daniel uttered, visibly shaken.
Meanwhile, Lil Debil used his “35 years” of cooking experience and his last, sleep-deprived, brain cell to boil a packet of noodles. Though he’s currently failing math, he instinctively filled his bowl with the perfect volume of water and stirred. And stirred. And dozed off to sleep, his eyes wide open.
With all the preparations complete, the rest of the chefs threw their ingredients into the bowl. The result looked more like a Frankenstein’s monster than a culinary masterpiece, but it was still their dish, their child. Ovaltine sauntered around the bathroom with this precious child in hand.
“Hurry up,” Gamsay shouted, “The only thing graceful about you, Ovaltine, is how you’re going to be eliminated if you don’t pick up the pace.”
Ovaltine froze dead in her tracks as DDP flashbacks flooded her mind. In a moment of uncontrollable terror, she bolted out the bathroom and chucked the chefs’ child at the students outside.
“Wait a second, why is the chicken pink?” one student questioned.
The chefs felt Gamsay’s face fuming behind them and began saying their prayers. “Damn Daniel, back at it again with RAW CHICKEN!” He hollered, “I’ve had enough of this. Daniel, you’re out. Lil Debil, you’re also out.”
“What did I do wrong?” Lil Debil asked, now wide awake.
“Did you even notice me shouting at you?” Gamsay screamed, “No. You were asleep as if this was history class.”
“How did you-” Lil Debil gasped.
Two lunch aides suddenly appeared behind Lil Debil and dragged him out. With only two chefs remaining, who will win it all? Find out next time on Hell's Cafeteria!