Jacob Schles ∙ 01/07/2021 ∙ December 2020
We’ve all been there. It’s Christmas eve, the in-laws are coming at 9 a.m. tomorrow, and you’re all out of argument starters. Last year you tried religion, Trump, etc. You even swallowed your pride and argued about whether hot dogs are sandwiches or not—and did the impossible by not punching your brother for saying it’s a taco. I hate you, Hank. You aren’t special, you got one tennis racket and fifteen bucks in grandma’s will, just like the rest of us. Anyway. Don’t worry about what arguments you’re starting this year! We’ve got six argument starters that are sure to get your uncle dramatically pointing and screaming.
“Is climate change fun enough?” Screw the age-old “is it real” argument. Here we take a look at if it’s hot or not. Pro-fun arguments include: “Those wildfires got more people moving than your average EDM record” and “Oh, NYC will be underwater? Universal water polo.”
Anti-fun arguments include: “It has no chill” and “Hurricanes and floods? *snort or demeaning chuckle/scoff* Wake me up when something explodes.”
Note: This argument is extra fun with a climate scientist at the table.
“Check out my new favorite album! It’s very experimental.” Your choice of genre, but experimental noise hip-hop, lo-fi trap bedroom pop, and ambient cat noises are always good, controversial choices. Get ready for exasperated groans, and make sure someone chooses to die on the “there is no way you can call that music” hill. Your republican uncle will have a field day with this one.
“Which Frankish king was hotter: Theudebert II or Sigebert I?” Your weird cousin will for sure go with Theudebert II. His whole side of the family will agree. Go with Sigebert I, he’s the bad boy of the two. You are for sure gonna get some hatred and heated debate going.
(Directed towards your aunt/uncle and their spouse) “So which one of you is the chill one and which one is the lame one?” Make sure their kids take sides for this one; some serious long term damage is sure to come out of it. A good version of this argument is incredibly passive-aggressive. If it’s not, you can throw in an “I’m sure you’re very different in a more social setting” and an uptight “Mhm!”
Throw something and blame an adult. This one is simple. It’s an aggressive approach, but it gets the job done nicely. For optimal results, make it something precious and fragile.
“Who here can make the best owl noise?” Loud, aggressive, and horrible owl noises are the perfect for you to make. Insist you’re the best, but make an awful and completely unrealistic owl noise. This works well with a co-conspirator to defend you and gaslight the whole family. Be careful here. This gets very heated very quickly. Have fun with your arguments people. And make sure you don’t get injured—disarming every family member at the door yields the safest results. Pro tip: if your family tends to resort to fists, disarm them of those, too. Happy arguing everyone!