Dylan Horton ∙ 04/08/2021 ∙ March 2021
As a student, I have always wondered where grades come from and whether or not actual class performance is a factor of them. After my recent Geometry test, my parents are wondering, too.
Luckily, I have years of internet research to support me. I can firmly tell you that the answer is maybe. During my years of research, I found a first century document of teaching instructions, giving guidelines for how teachers should grade students. I have translated these guidelines below from Sanskrit:
Part 1 Take the percentage of questions the student got right. Once this number is found, all students whose OSIS number matches will be selected for a challenge.
Selected students must either run around the school basement floor or silently take a muted Fitnessgram™ pacer test. Whichever student does the most laps must yell out a random number for part 2.
Part 2 The next section involve students from the city of Philadelphia. Note: they must be from West Philadelphia. The number chosen from part 1 is compared to the number of guys who were up to no good and started makin’ trouble in the fast students’ neighborhood. As far as I know, nothing is done with this information, but it’s good to know. If the random number is greater than or equal to one, the student is sent on a trip to Bel Air. The time it takes for the student to arrive in Bel Air is sent via messenger pigeon to the US Bureau of Statistics.
Part 3 Once the pigeon arrives, a government official replaces its batteries, before sending it to watch the to-be-graded students.
While the bird examines the students, the letter is examined by a CIA agent. They check if any evil Stuyvesant students tampered it. If no tampering is discovered, the letter is thrown down the “A” chute, not to be confused with the “A” chute or the “A” chute. That would result in the percentage from part 1 being used. Some try to claim otherwise, but the chutes have never been mixed up. The “A” chute feeds directly into an industrial-sized meat grinder. Bits of delivered paper will be turned into Beyond meat. That Beyond meat is then molded into a hamburger patty and sent to McDonald’s. Depending on the price of a hamburger with no bun or blue cheese, the student’s grade will either be increased or decreased. This will depend on factors depending on each other and depend on other factors. (I got confused somewhere in the Sanskrit, sorry.)
Part 4 Once the factored number is calculated, the student’s grade is multiplied by zero. This is their final result.
On the off chance that the result from part 3 was already zero, the school enters self-destruct mode. Thankfully, this doesn’t seem to have happened for two three days.
Anyway, that is why I failed Geometry in Junior year. Thanks for reading.