Domenic DiPietro ∙ 04/01/2022 ∙ April 2022
It was a day like any other. I was browsing the web on my 2009 Windows Vista laptop when, suddenly, I saw it. “Bonzibuddy, your new favorite free computer companion! He tells jokes, makes schedules, and so much more!” Surely, Bonzibuddy was a deal I could not pass up. I wanted a new computer companion. I downloaded the sucker instantly. But much to my disappointment, I didn’t just get a web companion. I also got dangerous spyware that rendered my computer essentially unusable. Little did I know at the time that this spyware would start my epic journey of innovation and self-discovery. When my computer began heating to dangerous levels, I flipped it upside down. If there’s one thing that I’ve learned from those easy money websites, it’s that the grind must never end, even if your computer risks exploding. Well, the computer was definitely a heated platform. So, I realized, what was stopping me from cooking with it? Nothing was stopping me but myself. In test trials, I noticed my food was enhanced with metals, which has allowed me to give up my iron supplements and save fat stacks of cash. Once I abandoned my old-fashioned oven and stove, I sold them and turned off the heat to my house; the toasty 50 degrees Celsius GPU was more than enough to accommodate me. This streamlined use of Benjamins has made me quite wealthy and helped fund my 12-part series on laptop cooking—which is now available on Skillshare! Looking back, sometimes I wonder if I would change anything about my journey. I wouldn’t. I simply laugh at the haters. Ha ha ha those silly haters. I can now laugh at those puny gaming PC fans who told me that Vista was “outdated” and “vulnerable.” I can also laugh at my doctor, who has said that consuming laptop metal was “severely dangerous to my intestines.” And to all my aspiring chefs out there, remember to stay strong against those who doubt your genius.