You can’t. Ohio is way too much like Ohio and Sriracha mayo is too addicting. Your addiction keeps you coming back to consume more and more Sriracha mayo and while Ohio has grocery stores, they’re not enough. Sriracha mayo alone cannot sustain you as you struggle through the brutal landscape known as Ohio.

How to make Sriracha mayo in 15 easy steps:

Ingredients:

• 1 cup mayonnaise
• 4 tbsp Sriracha hot sauce, or more/ less to taste
• ½ tbsp lemon juice
• Black pepper

Steps:

1. Find a container of mayonnaise. If it has a screwable lid, grab the lid and unscrew it to open the container. If the container has a squeeze top, take off the lid and prepare yourself to shake and squeeze out mayonnaise.
2. Find a 1 cup measuring cup. Inspect it closely to make sure it really is a 1 cup measuring cup and you haven’t been scammed. Take a paper towel or a dish towel or a normal towel or a beach towel or a leftover napkin or a dry hand towel or an unused gym towel or a baby towel or a foot towel or a thin bath mat or a microfiber towel and use it to make sure the measuring cup is perfectly dry before even thinking about putting your mayonnaise in it.
3. Take your freshly opened container of mayonnaise and, if it is the kind where you can use a spoon to scoop it out, use your smallest fork to slowly extract bits of mayonnaise into the 1 cup measuring cup until it is full. If you are using the kind where you squeeze the sides, (like a freak), hold it so the squeeze top is face down pointed straight into that 1 cup measuring cup. Then, proceed to fight for your life as you struggle to get a drop out which, as you scrape off with salad tongs, put into the 1 cup measuring cup.
4. The next section involves handling a particularly caustic substance known as Sriracha hot sauce. You will need to use proper protection, (no, not that kind).
5. Find a Soviet-era GP-5 gas mask. It is absolutely crucial for the next step and I am confident you have one in your desk drawer. I have no idea how it works so you’re on your own when it comes to figuring out how to put it on.Put your hands in your Magid D- Roc Chemical Resistant Waterproof Fully Coated Nitrile Work Gloves to make sure you do not touch the corrosive Sriracha. Why? Because you may die.
6. It is finally time. The moment you’ve been waiting for. Take out your bottle of Sriracha. The only bottle you should own is the kind you have to unscrew and squeeze because other forms of Sriracha bottles are simply not long for this world. If you have another type of bottle than the one mandated above, return it expeditiously.
7. Put your hand on the tip of the bottle and rotate counterclockwise to unscrew it.
8. Put it back down because you’re actually not ready for it yet.
9. Find a 1 tbsp measuring spoon. Like with the 1 cup measuring cup from earlier, take a paper towel or a dish towel or a normal towel or a beach towel or a leftover napkin or a dry hand towel or an unused gym towel or a baby towel or a foot towel or a thin bath mat or a microfiber towel to properly dry the 1 tbsp measuring spoon.
10. Grab your previously opened Sriracha bottle. Flip it upside down in order to let you squeeze it tight enough to make it drip very, very slowly into the 1 tbsp measuring spoon. It is imperative that you tip the spoon upside down over the “bowl that you definitely already had out” before you smack that spoon until all the Sriracha from the 1 tbsp measuring spoon is in the bowl.
11. Repeat step 9 3 additional times. At this point you are most definitely going slowly insane. Do not fret, as your Sriracha will be there to comfort you.
12. Do a happy dance because the terrifying Sriracha is now safely contained in the bowl.
13. Take your 1 cup of mayo that you definitely had out and flip it upside down over the bowl. Smack the mayo cup until all of the mayo has transferred to the bowl.
14. Add some lemon and pepper… somehow. (Those items are foreign to me because they’re not either Sriracha or mayo, so good luck)
15. Once all the ingredients are in the bowl, take the zucchini you forgot to buy and use it to stir your mayo mixture well until everything is well combined. You know you did it right when there are no odd chunks of mayo in your Sriracha mayo.
16. Throw the now used zucchini at your least favorite neighbor and enjoy your Sriracha mayo. Note: Sriracha mayo is best consumed with a spoon.

To summarize, Ohio is a very dangerous place and surviving it while addicted to Sriracha mayo is not possible. However, you can make your very own Sriracha mayo at home if you have the proper equipment. Good luck, and may you never end up in Ohio.