How YOU Can Protect Yourself From Christmas

Ilana Rahim Braden12/23/2021December 2021



When you feel Christmas cheer poisoning our clean and beautiful streets, beware the risks. The threat of holiday spirit looms over our spooky decorations, our festive meals, and our roses and teddy bears. Never do I celebrate a holiday without a fear of that dreadful combination of red, white, and green coming back to kill us all.

I see the red, white, and blue of our American flag and I shake at the nauseating similarities I see of Xmas. I can’t stand the bells of the clock tower, or the glows of LED lights without flashing back to the “aesthetics” of Christmas. And don’t even get me started on Santa. Every time I see him, I wonder why people even like this old guy.

That genius, ancient, crusty man likely has those eldritch monster slaves he calls “elves” doing his bidding just to get the world in his clutches. This master of propaganda- his public reputation is far too high, especially considering the army of hideous humanoids he has working in his toy factory and nestled in the homes of people all over the world. At his command, they are ready to take their grubby little hands and upend entire neighborhoods, taking them apart brick by brick. But, of course, most obviously, did you know that Santa, this jolly fat, though admittedly still very crusty, old man with white hair, is actually Satan? He could be! He’s practically spelled it out with that hideous red he’s always wearing.

Through His gifts, He is corrupting our precious children. Each gift is a temptation to lure an innocent child to the dark side.

Don’t be fooled by the “naughty or nice” list. What, you think he’d give bad kids coal as “punishment”? Coal is one of the most valuable natural resources. Where could he possibly be getting all that coal from?  Yeah, not buying it, Santa. Then, all those neighbors you have putting up Christmas decorations? Those are actually signs that your territory is fully corrupted by Santa and his minions. Those lights are a signal for Santa to arrive. The entire block may very well be teeming with Christmas Energy.

Candy canes and peppermints in a home are another red flag you may see. Gingersnaps and fruitcakes are the vessels in which Xmas energy is contracted. If you have to eat one of these horrid items for any reason, you must purge it from your body before it enters your bloodstream. Gingerbread or chocolate chip cookies with cow’s milk are an offering to Santa himself, and if you see this malicious pair lying about on December 24th, dispose of them and hope that The Creature sees your message and does not return. If you have impressionable children, you may not want to disclose the horrifying truth about Santa Claus yet. You may say that he is not real, but be sure to prepare them for the upcoming battle once they are of an age mature enough to process the circumstances. Do not keep up the façade, even for the children’s sake. It is very easy to succumb to the malevolent energy that is often referred to as Christmas Cheer. Be warned, for whether it is June, February, or November, Santa’s forces lurk about and are making constant effort to bring this world to its knees. He is always watching.

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