'Il Vago Ristorante: The Freshest New Food On The Street'

Ramon Li08/02/2022June 2022



Il Vago Ristorante. You've likely never heard of this restaurant before, but this hidden spot serves only the food available. Unlike other similarly-sized restaurants, they’ve been working to serve 99.99% edible food by the year 2030. Though these diligent fellows can be quite secretive about their business, they have been kind enough to allow us at Welp share the Il Vago Ristorante experience! Just like any other restaurant, I took a random seat and picked a dish the only way I knew how to: with the roll of a die. 2! That item was the Mystery “Meat." I waited expectantly for this classic. After about 10 minutes, an oozing mound of what seemed to be flesh appeared in front of me. I was tempted to walk out then and there, but I persevered for the sake of my journalistic integrity. Surprisingly, it tasted like chicken—yet it had the strong flavor of pain. I felt the unique tang of the screams of the damned with every bite. I felt as if I hit rock bottom and then Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson himself tossed me even further.

"Would you like some fries with that sir?" my waiter so graciously asked. "Yes, please." I murmured. Luckily for my sanity, these fries weren’t quite as inspired. Although I couldn't tell what was underneath their savory crusts, I knew they were most certainly fried. The flavor was exquisite, too. The potatoes, beef, or, could that be the souls of Calculus students? Probably not, no… Regardless, I highly recommend this dish to anyone who enjoys watching their friends do DeltaMath. Newly hopeful, I once again rolled my die. 6! This corresponded to “food.” Oh no. My waiter returned with a cube(?) of… something. It didn’t have any smell, texture, or color, so I couldn’t comprehend what I could be staring at. Perhaps tasting it will reveal something, I thought. So, I took a bite or two… or ten. Despite consuming it with the gusto of a true American patriot, I still couldn’t understand what I ingested. They somehow transformed nothingness into both a flavor and a texture. If this is the true meaning of food, perhaps the definition of the word manifest, then I’m both thrilled and terrified. Thrillified, if you will. Welp, this is a great time to have one last dessert and then leave. I mused. With a slight smile on my face, I skimmed through the menu until I reached the desserts: “???” Scared and sickened, with the flavor of pain still in my throat, I ran. Rating: ★☆☆☆☆. Would try that cube thing again. Originally published on Welp.net

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