Iowa Teacher Seized By Rapture

Gabrielle Greenblatt04/08/2021March 2021

#Timeless news

The disappearance of Edmund Smith, a quiet high school history teacher, has been found to be caused by the rapture. Students and colleagues recently mourned the one year anniversary of his disappearance, but we were happy to give them some closure with the confirmation that he is not, in fact, dead. His body and being was simply snatched up by God in the dead of night to join Him in His kingdom of eternal light. Now left in the place where he once stood lies a question: why only him? What made Edmund Smith so special? Well, the hardworking reporters at The Radish have done a deep dive and are happy to announce that we can answer this question. Through Radish informants in the underworld, I was able to get the full explanation of this odd situation. Apparently, the problem starts with a misunderstanding of what the rapture is. Common understanding of the rapture is that those who believe in the blessed one (God) will be taken to heaven to live out the rest of eternity with Him. However, in actuality, the blessed ones (person) ascend to live out eternity with God. This mistake was attributed to a mistranslated sentence when the Bible was translated from its original script to Latin. God, finding it funny, decided to let it slide. But this caused evangelicals to focus their energy on believing when they should have spent their time blessing. So, how was Mr. Smith able to become the only blessed one? My contacts in the underworld, not knowing what happened up above, kicked me out. I was forced to go to Iowa to figure this out. The first few things I learned upon meeting the people who knew Mr. Smith while he roamed this planet seemed inconsequential. He liked churning butter and became a teacher after he failed to go pro. He didn't believe in washing his hands, sick days, or germ theory in general, and did not like it when his students didn't participate in class. Eighty percent of their grade was participation, which they counted themselves by hand on a tallyboard anytime they said anything, so classes tended to go off track a lot. In many ways, Mr. Smith seemed to be a man stuck in the past- The writer of this article has since been seized by rapture, too.

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