Domenic DiPietro ∙ 08/02/2022 ∙ June 2022
What’s up, fellow cool kids and teens. It’s your boy, master trend forecaster Abraham Buford, here with my prediction of the next thing to sweep the nation. That’s right, it’s your favorite poison, lead.
Many ’90s nostalgia items like painting supplies are filled with lead, providing both a welcome look back to the past and a source for the elusive feeling of acute organ failure. Many yearn to be brought back to the good old days when big government kept their hands out of the joy of poisoning, including yours truly. I hope for a renaissance, where those wall street fat cats and Washington D.C. bozos see the light, and we the people are free to see the hallucinations induced by lead.
The clues are all here for a lead poisoning trend. Though I myself have no children at the age of 57, I am irrefutably hip. I enjoy doing young teen things, like email and MySpace. Though my wit is beginning to fade (as my kooky doctor says, due to “excessive lead exposure”), I have never failed in predicting trends. I foretold the irradiation fad back in 2007, and the aluminum wars of 2012. My associates in youth culture tell me that these events were “made up radical” and “a sign of dementia being the coolest guy around.” It seems some of those hating young whippersnappers are wrong again, and I have proved that I am wiser than them all.
However, what are some side effects of this potential craze? None at all! Lead poisoning is actually 100% safe and effects are guaranteed, according to the research done by the Lead Paint Research Group. As an impartial spokesman for 4 companies based on lead, I must say, they sure have paid me, and I sure do like getting paid. As one CEO told me in unknowingly recorded dialogue, “We need to be cool again. We need to save our business with a dumb trend or something.” What a wacky fellow! You can write him a radical letter at his zany address of 8730 Waterville Swanton Road, Waterville, Ohio.
So, aforementioned cool minors, please buy lead-based products in bulk and join your friends. And remember, reporting side effects makes you officially uncool.