Diego Curinga05/27/2021May 2021



Hey, you look like an easily-influenced person with a large amount of spare money! Are you interested in helping out your favorite school newspaper? If the answer is yes, which it’d better be, check out our amazing fundraising plan: merchandise! We are now selling The Radish mugs. You won’t find anything made of root vegetables better than these mugs to drink your coffee—or your covfefe—out of. They are made with 100% organic, all-natural materials. A special thank you to our cup farmer, Hank Harrison, for growing the radishes. Okay, now, I’m not supposed to say this, but just between you and me, our tote bags aren’t as all-natural and organic as the mugs. Only about 75% of the human skin we use to make them is from a natural source; the rest is synthesized in a lab. 50% off if you bring us a dead body and an egg with your purchase. But if you already have a lot of tote bags (perhaps you’ve been doing some sewing on your own time), you can buy our t-shirts! We have small, extra small, really small, outrageously small, and so-small-it-doesn’t-actually-exist all in stock! Get them fast; these shirts are selling like hotcakes, that is to say, only in bakeries. We’ve already sold out of the print with Radimir Rootin kicking The Survey. Shirts may not fit people bigger than 5 radish standard. Now, for some reason, an easily-influenced person like you may wonder why we’re doing this fundraiser. Obviously, with quality this high, we’ll raise more than enough to print out another batch of articles with advertising money alone. But we have bigger plans than a printed magazine. Printing may be suitable for The Survey, if they ever release anything, but not us. We want to have the next issue transcribed into multiple languages for a larger host of enjoyers, so we’ll be doing print runs in Spanish, Mandarin, Dutch, Latin, Mesopotamian Cuneiform, and Voynich Manuscript-ian. We also want to paint the issue onto the sides of the school, which will cost considerably more than normal printing, for some reason. If we have some extra after that, we’ll build a golden statue of our real club president, Radimir Rootin, outside of the east entrance to the building. I hope you are looking forward to the amazing merchandise and school paint job that’s coming your way soon! I know I am. So, if you want to gaze upon a solid gold statue of Radimir Rootin while you sip your coffee out of an authentic Radish mug (coffee not included), just head over to and buy our merch today! Additional merch is detailed on our poster.

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