Gabriel Gralnik05/31/2024







Brooklyn Tech emails were recently leaked showing numerous pre-written emails from over a decade ago. Among these emails were some patch notes for The Game of Life, predictions that came true to an uncanny amount, and secret documents revealing the original (and likely unchanged) procedures for any type of natural disaster. In this need-to-know special report, we’ll be reviewing the shark protocol, which reveals what happens during a flash flood. For one, Brooklyn Tech has a built-in boat from floors 5 through 8. Upon a flash flood, the upper floors of the building will detach from the lower floors, and a raft will be deployed. Any and all elevators will be left behind in the process.

So what should you worry about?

Brooklyn Tech will throw overboard any people who don’t meet the following requirements. In order to ensure your safety, you must fall under the following requirements:

  • Weigh at most 80 pounds.
  • Be useful to the Protocol.
  • Can’t swim.
  • Hate English and/or History classes.
  • Be useless to the Protocol.
  • Be a terrible person.
  • Produce/Consume some kind of salt.
  • Play
  • Own Lego salt/pepper shakers.
  • Not be in a club that is related to the sciences.
  • Own a drum set.
  • Submit an application to a shutdown website.
  • Be 12.
  • Be -34
  • Receive a psychopathy diagnosis from a board-certified psychiatrist.
  • Be at most a 2/10 on the Richter Scale
  • Own an exotic pet.
  • Love mirrors and/or identify as a chair.
  • Own a packet of freeze-dried french fries 20 years beyond expiration.
  • Own a pack of brownies with a sell-by date of February 30th,1953.
  • Know how to flawlessly say your ABC’s backwards.
  • Have zero spice tolerance.
  • Not be able to read.
  • Be Finnish
  • Be finish.

Overall, these are all the requirements to not be thrown overboard. If you want to live, these are your requirements. You want life? This is your only chance. Good luck, Brooklyn Tech resident.

More Articles: Feast on these!

Big Child has convinced you that it's wrong to hate children

They’re at it again. A very sinister force is overtaking this great nation, and most are unaware of ...

Domenic DiPietro

All Articles!