Powerscaling Babies

Domenic DiPietro05/31/2024


I’m not gonna beat around the bush here, folks. We’re powerscaling babies. That’s all the introduction we need. Let’s get into it.

The Gerber Baby: Like me, you may have the commercial that advertises a financial “grow-up” plan irreplaceably implanted in your brain. One can only imagine how many stacks the baby that crawls atop the Gerber empire is sitting on. I doubt that they would hold their own in a fight, but there’s no doubt they have some favors they could call in. B TIER.

The Teletubbies Sun: The sun is the baby? What are they teaching kids these days? Ignoring the BLATANT biological mistake, this unholy creation is seemingly impossible to defeat. I’m struggling to come up with things to say here because, you know, IT’S THE SUN. Have you ever thrown hands with the sun? Didn’t think so. Not even a billion lions would stand a chance. S TIER.

Baby Mario: Where do I start with this guy? To take responsibility for a past error, I used him in Mario Kart for a good portion of my life. Once I was made aware of his lack of a license, I swiftly switched to Donkey Kong, disappointed that I had missed one of the many evils of this big-nosed devil. Look up a picture of baby Mario right now and tell me you don’t feel a visceral anger rise up from deep inside you. Make your own fame like the rest of us instead of riding the coattails of your hero father, baby Mario. N TIER (for Nepotism).

Baby Crawling Around a Construction Site in Looney Toons: Strongest creature in the Toonverse. No matter what harm inevitably comes to the innocent Toms and Jerries around them, God’s favorite child remains unscathed. How the hell did this baby even get here, anyway? The crane operator can’t see a live infant crawling across a steel beam towards a misplaced conveyor belt? We’re lucky that this baby remains ambivalent about its surroundings, and that we don’t feel its wrath. SSS TIER.

Baby Back Ribs: Immediately, we have to dock points for not being a baby. Pretty significant points, actually, considering that’s the only criterion here. However, I will also add a resounding boost given its dominance in the “delicious” category. I would rather not investigate how the other competitors farein that regard. C TIER.

Baby (Justin Bieber ft. Ludacris): Let’s be real bros. This song is CRINGE! Not powerful at all. I’m also removing points for Justin’s Canadian origins. This has nothing to do with babies, but I’m making this list and I can do whatever I want. Unfortunately, due to YouTube’s egregious obstruction of justice with the removal of the dislike counter, the video has been shielded from the public’s mass outrage. Not here, folks. We stand for democracy. F TIER.


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