Proposed Zoom Additions: For Students By Students

Jacob Schles02/25/2021February 2021


Almost a year since the pandemic has started, ever-present Zoom meetings have barely changed. They have the same boring sans serif font, same clunky interface, same host (bourgeoisie) and non-host (proletariat) dynamic. Nothing is new. In this time of staying inside and mindless, repetitive week-to-week routines, Zoom must change. Listed below are proposed additions to Zoom for a more fun and exciting class.

  1. New era, new font Times have become incredibly chaotic. We need a font to reflect that. Wingdings is the perfect font! With its confusing nature, wingdings class could become a staple in all elementary schools. Just imagine the excitement this would bring to a normally boring and frankly useless ♋︎◻︎ ❍︎♋︎♍︎❒︎□︎♏︎♍︎□︎■︎□︎❍︎♓︎♍︎⬧︎ class which, let's be honest, isn’t even a real subject.
  2. Russian roulette style host privileges Every ten minutes, a new host will randomly be selected. Just think: you’re suddenly kicked out of class and when you return, Brayden has muted everyone and is making a sandwich in his underwear. What a dream! This new, exciting addition would have kids leaping out of their bed and then back into their bed to join class.
  3. Less functional servers Glitches, lags, and poor connection are all a part of your favorite classes. We propose that Zoom purchase cheaper servers to make all classes just a little bit more chaotic. The quality of Zoom’s servers should be like the quality of our English classes during quarantine: nonexcistent.
  4. The Zoom Wand™ The Zoom Wand™ would be a special button to make class a bit more interesting. Do we know what it would do? No. But you have an imagination. Come up with something.
  5. The Zoom Olympics Who can disconnect the fastest? Who can spam the “invite host” button the most? Who can annotate the best curse word onto the teacher's presentation? All these questions and more could be answered at the Zoom Olympics, held every 4 years. Or whenever the next pandemic is, whichever comes first. We hope the Zoom team finds this and listens. Students across the world would see a vast difference in education. Will it be better? Probably not. But it’ll be different!

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