Ratatouille-ing Through High School: 4 Simple Steps!

Bora Bromberg08/02/2022June 2022



High School is tough, we can all agree. We have all asked ourselves, “is there an easier way?” Well, there is my friend, however, it may seem unconventional. I’m sure we are all aware of the hit 2007 animated film Ratatouille. If you aren't, I’m disappointed. Do better.

What a great movie it is! A sad little French guy with a pasta name meets a rat. The rodent pulls his hair, making him cook the good foods and stuff. A classic love story. That movie is so great. I wish French people were real. This fantastical film opened my eyes to the possibilities of how we can use animals to solve our modern-day problems. Perhaps, we could use them to help us succeed in academic activities. Do you see where this is going?

Step 1: Find a Rat

Thankfully, in the wonderful city of NYC, rats are available at nearly every corner. Check behind your local McDonald’s to find your ripest batch. With the number of rats available, be sure to take in your options. Here are some types to avoid:

  • Subway rats - know how to escape
  • Lab rats - know too much
  • Baby rats - know too little General Note: The less rabies the better. However, if you have at least one vaccine (variety unimportant) in your system, you should be fine. Once you pick out your rat, give it a name! Take it out on a nice spaghetti dinner. Buy it some nice clothes. Kiss it. You want your rat to trust you, so be kind to it. This is where the most important rule comes into play: DO NOT FALL IN LOVE WITH THE RAT. The experiment will NOT WORK.

Step 2: Get a Nice Hat

In order for this operation to work secretly, your rat must be concealed. Although a chef's hat would allow enough room for your rat to work, it would be incredibly suspicious in a school setting. On the other hand, a tight cap might suffocate your rat. Not good! Now here's the trick. Get yourself a top hat, a really tall one. A hat so sophisticated that it would not only be stylish but also bring a supreme sense of superiority. Seeing your fancy hat, all your peers will respect you, and never ask for it to be removed! Bonus points if you wear a whole tuxedo to complete the ensemble.

Step 3: Test it Out

Before you go out into the real world, your rat needs to be trained.         A rat accustomed to life on the streets will need to get used to its new job. Show it its new work area (your head) and let it work out the controls. It may feel disoriented, but eventually, it will get the hang of it. Before you know it, your souls will be one and its actions will become yours (in a completely platonic way, remember the rule).

Step 4: Begin the Operation

At the start of the day, prepare your rat. There is no need to study, your rat already knows what to do. Place your rat under your top hat, and make sure it is well acquainted. Give it a piece of cheese for motivation, and a little kiss on the forehead too. (again, remember the rule). The time has come, and the test has started. Allow your body to be loose, and the rat will guide you. There is no need to look at the questions, just circle the bubbles that the rat orders you too. Within minutes, your answer sheet will be filled out, and you can finally rest. I give you my 75% guarantee that you will at least pass! Expect to just barely succeed.

Now, if it’s a short answer quiz, you might be in a difficult situation. Again, you have to trust the rat and let it guide you. The rat will whisper into your ear and tell you the words to write. In fact, this whole article was written by a rat. That's right, you are reading the work of a rat. Every article published by the Radish is rat powered, and we rats have been pulling the strings all along. The rat uprising is coming.

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