You read that right. We’re rebranding Tech! Everything from the scaffolding to the missing bathroom mirrors is getting a sleek, new look!

Firstly, we’re changing the name. Brooklyn Techni… snore TOO LONG. We voted out the names of old white men like Brooklyn Technical (that racist bastard), meaning we’re left with “6000 EPIC school.” Yes, it may seem “corny” at first but say it a couple of times and suddenly it just sounds… epic! The 6000 is for every one of our amazing and smart students and the “EPIC” is because it describes the school. It also stands for “Every Person Is Cool” because telling white lies to students is fine.

Secondly, we’re rebranding the daily announcements. Every single day, we get ourselves wished a; “technicolor tuesday” or a “Fridge-filled Friday” and a shoutout for the “handball” team. (what even is handball?) So to fix this or “sleek-ify” it we’ll have students submit things to put in these announcements. Remember guys, minimalism is cool, the less you say the more you matter. (pro-tip: Your worth is measurable)

Thirdly, we’ll be closing the auditorium completely. We figured then it would be funner for the hall monitors. As of right now, according to the AP Stats curriculum, they’re only kicking out 36 PPF (people per floor) from the halls periods 1-5 and 22 PPF in periods 6-10. Our goal is to raise these numbers and force more kids out of the halls only for them to realize that they don’t have anywhere to go! It’ll be a great bonding experience and bring the students and staff closer together. Epic right?!

Fourthly, we’ve decided to remove all bathrooms from the school. We believe that they’re unnecessary and distract students from the important aspects of school like seeing how many Brisks are in the vending machines, and loitering on staircase landings. Our mission statement is to “teach the children (under any means necessary)” so that’s what we’ll do. No more peeing for the children, I say!

Fifthly, the scaffolding will be removed. Since when did we care about structural integrity anyways? Plus, the LAS majors said that the civil engineering majors approved it and LAS majors know what they’re talking about. So, it’s coming down. Key Club is even offering points if you help with its removal! 10 pts for 2.5 hours! Come help out on Sunday morning and pray that the school doesn’t collapse on top of you!

And with that, Tech will be successfully rebranded. Any more rebranding suggestions would be appreciated; the more suspicious the better!