School Re-Applies Asbestos In Bathrooms

Noah Mack05/31/2019Volume 2


Because of earlier events in the year involving vandalism and smoking in bathrooms at Tech, the school established new policies limiting the bathroom freedoms of students who needed to go during class time. This policy included an adult outside the bathroom to time the students who enter. Their motivation behind this was probably to deter students from smoking and vaping by limiting their time spent in the bathroom. However, students could easily spend long stretches of time in the bathroom by explaining that they suffered from gastrointestinal discomfort. What makes this excuse especially convincing is the uneasiness towards the exchange of ideas regarding fecal matter, but also the frequent outbreaks of salmonella in the school lunches. Ultimately, the policies were discontinued when students supposedly bullied the principal into scrapping the project. Some time later the school presented an innovative solution to the aforementioned problem. After removing a recently uncovered repository of asbestos from one of the locker rooms, the school found that the EPA’s (Environmental Protection Agency’s) reactions were surprisingly lax. School officials soon realized that placing asbestos in the bathrooms would encourage students to spend as little time as they possibly can in the room.

Considering that asbestos is a particularly infamous carcinogen, people posed some interesting questions towards the school. “Literally like what the hell is your logic behind this?” deadpanned one student. Strangely the school has yet to reply to any questions. However, despite a lack of direct answers, the administration created an anonymous sample poll among students, posing the question: “Would you like asbestos or no asbestos?” Responses are limited to “Yes” or “Yes.” The results were unanimous: “Yes.” Some academic individuals commented on the poll’s glaring reminiscence of communist elections. And so, with no clear idea of weather or not the student body was in opposition to the appliance of asbestos in bathrooms, Tech posted an announcement on its webpage saying that students could now bring in parental consent forms allowing them to use an alternative bathroom without asbestos, conveniently located in an open space on the 10th floor. A more in-depth description of this restroom was recently published on the BTHS website:

… The alternative restrooms are to be used by one student at a time … an adult will be posted in the restrooms to closely monitor the student for the duration of a student’s time in the restroom … the restrooms will feature one toilet, one sink, a trash receptacle, and appropriate restroom articles, i.e. toilet paper, a paper towel container, stocked with a generous daily complement of 0 rolls of paper towel, and liquid soap dispenser [which will have such a miniscule amount of soap left that you’ll be stuck there at the sink for a painful amount of time, desperately squeezing the pump while a couple pathetic lumps of bubbles are squirted out into your naked palm until you have just enough foam to lightly spread over only one side of your hand. So you begrudgingly dip your soap-deprived hands back under the stream of water but you have to press down on the push-faucets again because the water already stopped coming out, so you finish up and you’re about to leave but then you realize that there are no more goddamn paper towels in the box so you have to wipe your wet hands on your pants but then your hands are still a bit damp and you exit the bathroom having been grotesquely deceived]. The Tech administration is still in the collection phase of the asbestos installation, preparing advertisements for the daily announcements, BTHS homepage, and, of course, Craigslist. As to the fact that nobody has yet to view neither the daily announcements nor the BTHS homepage in the past year, the Radish would like to issue a plea to the people of Craigslist: Please, avoid the selling and purchase of BTHS brand asbestos.

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