Imran Fazilov ∙ 12/23/2021 ∙ December 2021
Radical Radish News reporting on a recent tragedy at Brooklyn Tech. It was a cold morning that fateful day in late December, that day when a group of students decided to take their chances with Secret Santa and ended up paying the price. Five students at Tech, who will remain anonymous to preserve what little dignity they have left, had, for no apparent reason, decided to participate in a Secret Santa, thus subjecting themselves to imminent eternal damnation.
They were fools pretending as if anyone has enough time to indulge in activities other than trying to finish classwork you never will, attempting homework due the night it was assigned, and studying for a test you weren’t taught the material of.
Regardless, the frivolous “fun” of these students started when the participants found out who they were getting gifts for and their $10 budget was set. Their fates were set.
In an interview with these anonymous students, Student 1, who received a personalized gift basket he will never open, said, “I was really happy for this round of Secret Santa. I think I got one of the best gifts. It’s such a shame I left my gift at home.” It was indeed a shame.
RRN (Radical Radish News) did not need experts in the field to confirm that this student was lying about his gift being forgotten. He clearly just forgot to get one, and must be lying about leaving it at home. What a liar.
Meanwhile, Student 2 gave the gift basket and received only a mini Snickers bar: “I deserve better than this. Do you literally know how long I spent on that gift basket? It literally took me a whole week. I literally went over the budget and I literally got a tiny Snickers bar. And, oh, look, it’s literally expired. Like how is that even literally possible?”
Student 2 went all in for this round, a decision she now regrets making. She never did Secret Santa before. This looks like it will be her fateful first, worst, and last time participating in a Secret Santa. Student 3 was the gifter of the Snickers bar and received $9.34 in pennies (934 pennies for you freshmen). In a statement, he said, “I think I gave the best gift out of all of ‘em.” So, of course, we then reminded the asshole that he gave a $1.50 year-old mini Snickers bar to Student 2. A cruel smirk formed on his face. He responded, “hey, you’re not you when you’re hungry.”
When we asked how Student 3 felt about the pennies, he said, “Well, I finally have an excuse to get that elevator pass! Screw the stairs! My backpack is just too heavy to take the stairs. They have to let me.” Student 3 has still yet to get that elevator pass, however, and caused a major slowdown of movement in the stairs. That slowdown started an evacuation resulting in a major city-wide traffic jam, and then stopped the supply chains, causing everyone’s stocks to fall, bringing about the spike of oil prices, and, worst of all, Staten Island still being part of NYC. But, not to worry, Student 3 still has all those pennies. At least some things will stay constant. Student 4, who gave $9.34 in pennies, got a live beating heart. The heart pulsated rather distractingly as the student complained about her gift: “What the hell am I supposed to do with this? Who's heart was this? I know that one creep likes me; he’s always trying to get me gifts. But this is just too far. Hey, you, can I get a box to store this in?” Rest assured, we gave Student 3 a used takeout box to put the live heart in. Student 5 got his heart broken. Literally. This fool gave the live beating heart. Student 5 did not respond to our request to interview him. And so Christmas was ruined for everyone, all due to one foolhardy, cult-ritual-like game.
Next time on RNN, the answer to the question you have all been waiting for: “When will the scaffolding around Tech come down?” Spoiler alert: It won’t.