Naiar Islam ∙ 04/01/2022 ∙ April 2022
So I know this one guy. You don’t need to know his name, I’ve already told you enough. He’s alright, I guess. We hang out a lot. He’s a loser and a failure. He’s my best friend, even, some would say. (We hate each other.) One day I asked if he wanted to hang out after school, but said he couldn’t. He said he had a “date.” Obviously, I laughed in his face. “With who?” I asked. Oh, you wouldn’t know her, he said, and his expression immediately changed. He stops, his face somber. He looks me in the eyes, and says, as if taken by a bout of utter sobriety, “She goes to another school.” A month goes by. The “date” incident, if it could even be called that, was never mentioned again. I just assumed he was pulling my leg. Doing a funny. Rustling my jimmies. One time we were talking about graduation and how it feels being a senior and all that. I ask him if he’s going to prom. “Of course, my girlfriend really wants to go.” I freeze. I grab my water bottle, take a sip and spit it into his face in shock. “With your alleged girlfriend?” ”Yeah,” he says, wiping off my spit take from his face. “Who is she?” “She’s amazing,” he continues, beginning to grin, “She brings me flowers and shiny things.” “Yeah but like…who is she?” “She goes to another school,” he shrugs. I decided to go all in. “Why is she going out with you? Full offense.” “She thinks I’m funny. She also said my soul was ripe for the picking or whatever.” “…What.” “I don’t know. She’s just quirky like that.” A pause. “She goes to another school,” he adds quietly, almost to himself. And just like that, the conversation was over. I catch him hurrying off after school carrying a bag full of rocks and an unknown green substance. I ask him where he’s going. “Oh, I’m having dinner with my girlfriend. Sorry man, I gotta go. She lives all the way by the creek.” ”The one in the middle of the woods?” “Yeah.” “Don’t you think that’s a little weird?” “Not really. She’s just #cottagecore. I should get this dinner to her. She gets kind of cranky and filled with the wrath of the forest spirits when she’s hungry. Women, amirite?” Now, every once in a while, I spot him rushing off with the mysterious bag of rocks and goo. It seemed random at first, (after all, he’s just a quirky little guy), but after I realized the occurrences coincided with full moons, I couldn’t take it anymore. The next day I confronted him. I said, “We need to talk about your girlfriend.” “What about her?” “Dude, there’s something off about her!” “She goes to an-“ “Stop saying she goes to another school. There’s only one school in this town!” He narrows his eyes. “I see what’s going on here. Dude, no need to be jealous. I’m sure there’s a girl out there for you who doesn’t care about looks, or personality, or having standards, or-“ “I’m not jealous. I’m just worried about you.” His eyes widened. “Oh, I think I get it! I’m flattered, really I am, but I’m taken. My heart belongs to my girlfriend. My soul, too. And my firstborn.” “You know what? I give up. Go ahead, date your freaky mystery girl but don’t come crawling back when she tries to vore you! I don’t know who or what she is and I don’t care anymore!” “Well, obviously you don’t know! She goes to another school.” I’m so enraged, I have nothing to do but accept my fate. I go to the forest, take a smelly poopy and die. How can I compete with a girl who eats rocks and goo! Especially one from another school!