Coronavirus has changed many aspects of life recently, such as how we play sports. For many, sports were the only thing keeping them from becoming just another obesity statistic. When looking for something new to stay in shape, many will tell you, “Take up jogging” or “create a bodyweight workout routine” or “fight a new Beowulf-esque monster every day.” But, if you’re like me, those options aren't enough. 

I crave sports. I miss debating the referee about my alleged “loss.” I miss the adrenaline rush from calling a hit on your opponent(s). Trying to outrun the police cars was like my own personal Formula 1 race. Plus, I was clearly doing something right; my walls are lined with participation trophies, medals, certificates, and even some t-shirts.

There’s no replacement for the rush you get from playing sports. So, instead of this whole “working out” thing, I made some revisions to many popular sports’ rules so that they are sanitary and socially distanced.

Also, before you ask: no, I am not accepting criticism. I am, however, accepting donations to my CashApp at $SportsLover69420.

Ping pong

You may be thinking, “Why do we need to change the rules of ping pong? Aren’t the players far enough already?” That assumption would make sense since a regulation ping pong table is nine feet long. However, with these rules and regulations, the athletes would still need to wear masks. And, as we all know, ping pong requires a lot of aerobic activity and it is very easy to get out of breath while playing. For this reason, I propose doubling the length of the table so that athletes may play unmasked.

Swimming

There are two options for swimming. 

The first (and preferred) option is for each competitor to buy an Olympic-size swimming pool. This option allows athletes to train and compete any time they like—and it teaches them important skills when it comes to cleaning pools, a career that many swimmers pursue.

The second option is using public pools. One downside to this option is that public pools are not suitable for training—only competitions.

Competitions work by having one competitor compete in each of their disciplines. They are given a one-minute break between disciplines, which should be ample time to rest. Once one competitor has competed in all of their disciplines, the pool is drained, sanitized, and refilled. After that, the next competitor competes in all of their disciplines. This is repeated for each competitor. The cycle should take approximately one week per person. One full set of races takes approximately fifty-two weeks; one year.

Sumo wrestling

Sumo wrestling was hard to adapt to be socially distant since it requires a lot of physical contact. However, I finally figured out a solution: each wrestler gets into their own bubble ball and seals themselves inside. This does not allow COVID-19 to spread; there is no way for air to get in or out of the bubble ball. 

When fighting, instead of slamming into each other, the wrestlers try pushing their opponent over the boundaries. This can happen if their opponent falls in their bubble, thus making them roll away. One can also win by outlasting their opponent, seeing as both athletes are slowly suffocating inside their bubbles.

Volleyball

So far, in order to keep these sports safe, I have increased the size of the playing area, installed sanitary regulations, and used a new, more effective particle blocker. But, with volleyball, I have decided it’s best to just remove players from both teams. Instead of being played 6v6, it is now played 1v1. The court area stays the same so what was guarded by six people will now be guarded by one. This extra space gives players enough room to play safely without masks.

American Football

American football will be played with mostly the same rules. However, since players must stay socially distant, each player will be equipped with a paintball gun. Instead of tackling players of the opposing team, athletes will shoot them with the paintball guns. If the player that is currently in possession of the ball is shot, the play is over. Players may dive in front of the paintballs in order to protect their teammates, but if they are shot, they must lie on the grass for the remainder of the play.

Soccer

Since everyone knows that soccer is an unpopular, unimportant sport, this one has a simple solution. Instead of getting on the field and randomly kicking around a ball, you can just play FIFA 21, the new FIFA game which clearly has many visible differences from FIFA 19 and FIFA 20.

Now, all that’s left to do is wait for the various international sports organizations to change the official rules so we can begin. I look forward to participating in all these sports and destroying you all.