Solving Change by Inhaling Exhaust Fumes

Andrew Berman11/27/2021November 2021


#Guest interview

“It all started when I was hanging out with some buddies on my friend Chuck's farm,” said Dale, the man who has been single-handedly reversing the effects of climate change on our atmosphere by inhaling the exhaust fumes produced by our vehicles.

My pal Rusty Mike said, “Hey, Dale, I bet you won’t put your mouth on my tractor’s exhaust pipe.” Obviously, I did, and it felt… good?

What happened next sent him on a slippery slope of self-discovery.

He turned to me and he said, “You know you can take your mouth off the pipe now, right?” I did take my mouth off the pipe, only to look at him and say, “No!” then put it back on the pipe. Then I inhaled the air. It was like a warm summer breeze that tasted like cotton candy. It was something beautiful, really.

We reached out to Dale’s friend Eric for his comments on this.

“I don’t know what’s wrong with him,” he said. “One minute we were hanging around Chuck’s farm and the next he’s sucking on every tractor pipe he can get his hands on.”

Even though they may sound insane, Dave’s actions might not be as absurd as they sound. Experts say Dale’s antics could have a significant impact on helping the Earth’s climate.

“According to my calculations he’s been inhaling approximately 200,000 kilograms of carbon dioxide every single day,” said Alfred Pipe, head of The National Institute of Pipe Sucking, or NIPS. “That’s a big deal.”

The diabolical auto industry, the largest contributor of carbon dioxide in the environment, was infuriated by Dale foiling their nefarious plots to poison our atmosphere.

“I’m not saying it’s bad that he’s helping the climate!” Said the CEO of Exxon, John D. Climate Change. “Do none of you see the problem with this?! He’s inhaling exhaust fumes!” When asked why he was fighting against the solution to climate change, he simply shut down. “THIS ISN’T ABOUT THE CLIMATE ANYMORE! A HUMAN BEING SHOULDN’T BE INHALING THAT AMOUNT OF EXHAUST. ALSO, WHAT DID YOU WRITE MY NAME AS? DOES THAT SAY ‘JOHN D. CLIMATE CHANGE?! MY NAME IS PHILLIP!’” For shame.

True environmentalists, however, are fully on board with Dale’s newfound hobby. “He’s doing great work,” said Kathy McOils, climate activist and lavender spokeswoman. “How could anyone be against him? He’s literally like, literally saving the world. Literally.”

On the other hand, medical professionals seem to disagree.

“He’s going to die if he keeps doing this,” said Doug Stethoscopes, an environment-hating doctor—and man who clearly wants to watch the world burn. “He’s poisoning himself. He’s passed out three times since the beginning of this interview.”

We asked Dale to comment on this last remark, but he didn’t respond to our inquiries—or any stimuli whatsoever.

The Radish would like to formally inform its readers that Dale is perfectly fine and no harm has come of his exhaust-sucking adventures. He was last seen as recently as this morning happily sucking on the exhaust pipe of the ambulance that took him to the hospital three days ago.

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