The 137.15912 foot tall radio tower above Brooklyn Tech has been unused since the 1990’s. It has no use other than holding one tiny, blinking light in the air. Many residents of the area have wanted to, in their words, “destroy the eyesore in a blaze of glory” (Fluffy, resident Sciurus Carolinensis). Others have suggested, “knock it over with a raw potato the size of Fluffy!” (Professor Gthsihtoihsoilbgripesrh, Felis Catus).

      And while there are some who advocate for the right of the radio tower to exist, none could be found amidst the scores of people that want it gone. Unfortunately for those anti-tower scores, the removal of the radio tower would cost millions of billions of dollars. There is also nowhere to put the crane, so the local government decided to keep the overwhelming radio tower. Realizing this, two warring factions decided to take on the task. Both factions planned their demolition job to take place on the exact same day.

      At the brink of dawn, the first faction rose from the shadows to take on the task. The Squirrels of Dekalb, armed with nothing but their wits, their claws, and their British, bulky torches. They climbed the side of the building with their claws and their torches. Silently, they began to scale the radio tower. Their leader, Fluffy, had just reached the lightbulb when someone else grabbed it first.

      At the same time that The Squirrels of Dekalb had been climbing the tower, The Housecats of Fulton had been doing the same. The Housecats of Fulton were armed with only their wits, their claws, and their Fluffy-sized potatoes.

      Both factions had planned to destroy the tower in their own way. The Squirrels of Dekalb had planned to burn the defunct radio tower down with their British, bulky torches. Alternatively, The Housecats of Fulton had planned to knock the radio tower down by throwing their Fluffy-sized potatoes at the structure.

      In a fit of rage at the realization of this, both groups began to attack one another. Students coming into the school for their first period reported seeing Fluffy-sized potatoes and British, bulky torches falling through the scaffolding and onto the ground.

      “It’s really nice. Now I have forty free potatoes and twenty-two flashlights” (Jimmy, resident Person Named Timothy). However, the general consensus was, “AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH- -HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” (Everyone and their mother).

      Now, while the students ran for their lives, The Squirrels of Dekalb quickly realized that they had made some key mistakes. First of all, they were using British, bulky torches, which are really just flashlights. Additionally, Housecats are bigger than Squirrels. And finally, Housecats eat Squirrels. The Housecats of Fulton, figuring this out after several minutes, began to cook The Squirrels of Dekalb using the heat from the one tiny, blinking light on the top of the tower.

      Within minutes, The Squirrels of Dekalb were no more; they had been cooked into a delicious feast for The Housecats of Fulton. There were so many baked, fried, boiled, pickled, candied, simmered, caramelized, barbecued, creamed, basted, blanched, and dropped from space to hopefully cook in the upper atmosphere squirrels left after the feast. The Housecats of Fulton gave them away for the school’s chefs to serve.

      “You know, squirrels tend to be eaten quite a bit in the United States once you get out of NYC,” (Professor Gthsihtoihsoilbgripesrh, Felis Catus and leader of The Housecats of Fulton) reporters were told that afternoon. However, while The Housecats enjoyed their murdered feast, the students had other things to say.

      “I found squirrel brains in my pasta. Now I can hear colors” (Maya, unknown attention-seeker).

      “I can’t eat meat. Everything has meat in it now. Help!” (Jason, regretful chemistry major-er).

      “IIIIIIIIIIIIII LOVE IT!!!!!” (Maxamilian, A.K.A. The Weird Guy That Seems ToHave a Stomach Made of Titanium).

      Animal Control then proceeded to call themselves to the scene, citing the recent devouring to be the cause. Upon hearing their trucks, The Housecats of Fulton fled back to a secret meeting place, which is definitely not found in their name. The Housecats were never seen again.