You’re likely at Brooklyn Tech if you’re reading this. However, like any good therapist, I’ve taken it upon myself to tell you whether you should regret one of the most important choices of your childhood: your high school choice.

I’m sure you’re no stranger to comparisons between specialized high schools. You might’ve heard that Stuyvesant is best because it’s the most prestigious, that Brooklyn Technical is best because it’s the biggest, or that Brooklyn Latin is best because kids there have lives. But between Tech and Stuy, which one is truly better? Let’s see…

First up, scenery: the undisputed most important factor in picking a school. Stuy looks too intimidating, with its giant pillars, the flags, the gold “STUYVESANT HIGH SCHOOL” on the front. It doesn’t look accessible, which is a shame since that’s what Stuy is known for. Meanwhile, Tech’s scaffolding oozes authenticity: a school that people actually go to instead of a museum. It also fits with a proud Brooklyn Tech tradition of inconveniencing pedestrians, which we also honor every time there’s a fire drill. It helps display our strength and superiority.

Our dominance over both the block, and other specialized high schools. Easy win for Tech.

So what about academics? It looks like Stuy has all the hallmarks of success in this category: high graduation rate, elite college acceptances , and sleep deprivation. But to understand this category, we have to look at what subjects the schools are teaching. You have Stuy kids, with their linear algebraic trigonometric calculus, and then you have Tech, with our practical subjects like AP Navigation(also known as the eighth floor), and Identifying Biotoxins 101 (also known as lunch). both of which we fit between our regular classes! Sometimes the efficiency of this school amazes me.

Clearly, Tech prepares us for the real world, while Stuy prepares its students for phony subjects like “science” and “engineering.” Case closed.

It’s clear that Stuy needs a miracle at this point, maybe some extracurriculars? Oh wait, they have those too. And guess what? They’re also a load of crap. What a shocker. Look me in the eyes and say you want to check out Pin the Tail on the Donkey Club or Sports Analytics Club. Of course not. Brawl Stars Club and The Club Club reign supreme. And their club directory is terrible. Epsilon Schmepsilon: stop speaking Greek; this is America!

See below:

I can figure out commitment levels and meeting days on my own, thanks. And I don’t have time for all these descriptions for god’s sake! It seems like this stems from poor contextual reasoning skills as a result of going to an evidently lackluster high school. Utterly shameful.

In resounding conclusion, Stuyvesant High School is absolutely, grossly, and totally inferior BEYOND reasonable doubt. Scathing criticisms of them include, but are not limited to: lamer subjects, weirder extracurriculars, and a fiercely intimidating facade of a design. I almost feel bad writing something so detrimental to their reputation. All press is good press, I suppose.

So, kids, there's no need to beat yourselves up over not going to Stuy—or more likely, not getting in. And if you're in the mood for another round of rejection, college applications are always lurking just around the corner.