Any tech student familiar with Brooklyn Tech’s current events has already heard about the principal’s recent decision to replace the Tech Engineer with a new, much more fitting mascot designed by students, for students. Following weeks of closed-door meetings and passionate debate heard throughout the school from the basement courtroom, several mascot candidates have been chosen.

First we have The Brooklyn Tech Salt Goon, designed and brought to life by student artists and biologists in an unlikely and unlikable collaboration. He’s a seven foot tall, green, vomit-colored goblin man with white pustules all over his greasy body. He leaves a sticky, mustard-colored trail wherever he goes, which students have already dubbed “The Yellow Stick Road.” He boasts a friendly attitude with a knack for stealing things like small objects on teacher’s desks and massive, oozing sums of money from their pensions. This is reportedly the finance major’s favorite candidate, calling him “cute and relatable.”

The school administration also tried to submit its own mascot candidate, the SGO Sticker. Made of recycled gym outfits, no corners were left uncut with the design of this mascot. This candidate would go around at school sporting events telling audience members that it absolutely needs twenty five dollars from each of them, only to run into the middle of the game and swallow every dollar bill whole. The first prototype went missing after a nearby private high school stole it after having previously called it “a genius blend of education and business.” Unfortunately, the final prototype was not built before the deadline for submissions; the only reminder was a misspelled email at 2 a.m. the night of.

Another submission was the Tech Echidna. This lovable, egg-laying mammal is a lot like tech students themselves. Much like most students, it secretes milk from its skin, giving it a warm, familiar feeling for students of every grade. The Tech Echidna would do signature dances, like its egg laying ritual. And, excitedly, it would start every basketball game by squeezing the ball out of its costume and then giving everyone a refreshing cup of its skin milk. Other relatable features like sharp spines and small neocortices will have students chanting “Tachyglossus aculeatus!” after every home run.

But students from every corner of this godforsaken school have come together to propose one mascot above all others. Unnamed Principal, champion of students and slayer of questions at Snacks with the PrincipalTM. The Tech Principal would be an inflatable, slightly larger-than-life sized doll with wheels for feet and a turbo booster in the back for quick access to students in need. The Tech Principal has been addressed by critics as a “cult-like symbol” and “nearing on dictatorial,” however these critics have been dealt with by use of The Tech Principal’s rear turbo booster.

Let’s face it. The Tech Engineer is a stupid mascot. What even is engineering? Can anyone in this school even put batteries in a dead calculator? The answer is no, and that’s a good thing. We don’t want our mascot making us look like nerds, do we? We want a powerful, new, and exciting mascot that will bring school pride and possibly fear. We hope the Board Dedicated to Selecting Mascots at Tech will make smart decisions, such as, and limited to, choosing the Salt Goon.