Tech's Vending Machines Stop Time

Ilana Rahim Braden11/27/2021November 2021

#Vending Machines



After performing careful observations on the behaviours of various vending machines in Brooklyn Tech, our extremely qualified team has concluded that there is a high probability of time-stopping fields appearing sporadically around snacks just as you purchase them, specifically in vending machines. The abnormalities seem to be attracted to the vending machines themselves, rather than the desire for a snack, as some previously suggested. 

Before our study, many students falsely assumed that they were just encountering bad luck as their bag of chips snagged on the vending machine’s coils or the vending machine “ate” their coins. But we now have proof otherwise. 

Upon closer inspection, snacks trapped in the vending machine are suspended in midair. Our researcher described the phenomenon:  “The snacks seem to be getting stuck in a continuous space-time stasis—until these sporadic fields decide to release the snack into the hands of one lucky student.” So, the fields are harmless enough, albeit annoying. 

What you really need to look out for, however, is your money—if you get it back, that is. Your money is shiny, noisy, crisp, and very tasty. And if it's not any of that, your money can buy you stuff. Why would a time field want to give it back? If you were a time field, wouldn’t you think that you deserve to get your change? Of course you would. What kind of time field would you be if you didn’t? Not a very good one that’s for sure. So, how do you prevent the machine’s most common trick? Well, be sure to check that a time field has not given you money from a future date. You will get accused of money forgery, receive -1000 social credits, and somehow land up in prison for 125 years—a year for every cent the vending machine is annoyed to have a new time-stopping field to deal with. 

Another common vending machine money trick: just as you put in your coins, a time-stopping field may appear around it. The vending machine, not knowing how to deal with a coin that defies the laws of physics, will just spit it back out into the change bin. This may also occur when putting pennies in the vending machine.

Therefore, we should really be nicer to the school’s vending machines. They aren’t junk, they are simply annoyed at having to deal with these incessant time-stopping fields. 

Despite many repair efforts, the fields have yet to be quelled, and there is no clear solution in sight. However, these small quirks just make the vending machines of Tech all the more iconic and lovable. Maybe next time you see a vending machine, you should try giving it a snack back. <3

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