Gabrielle Greenblatt

November 2020

Ten Instances of Phenomenal Reporting by The Survey

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Despite putting gold, humans’ favorite squishy metal, all over their eyelids, this person absolutely cannot take it. They say that they can take it, but the gold flecks on their eyelids do nothing but reflect light back into the world.

The false sense of confidence that putting gold eyeshadow all over their eyes gives does nothing to help them take it. They simply cannot deal and their new, shinier exterior cannot change their deep insecurities. It is, after all, INsecurities, not GOLDEYESHADOWsecurities, which would be very secure. Just like the gold standard. 

In fact, the eyeshadow that is on their eyelids does not contain any  real gold. They are basing their security on a lie, on a farce, on a falsehood! The gold eyeshadow really has no effect on this person’s coping abilities.
The gold eyeshadow isn’t even all on their eyes. It’s flaked and fallen all over their face, it gets in their eyes. The pieces of glitter are visible and look like off-white stars (gross). 

We asked a mental health expert, sporting a cool matte green eyeshadow look, what they thought about the claim that this person could take it, despite only bracing themselves with a thin coat of gold eyeshadow. 

“Without a doubt, without knowing what ‘it’ is, that person probably can’t take it,” Matte Green Eyeshadow said, elaborating, “I’d give them a 40-50% chance of being able to take it, even wearing the eyeshadow. Without the eyeshadow? The chances would be about the same but their eyes would be markedly less shiny.” 

Perhaps their eyelids being shiny will help them take it a bit better. Doubtful, though. 


“I put gold eyeshadow on my eyes, I can take it,” says person who absolutely cannot take it

Have you ever been talking with a group of people when you make a joke and no one laughs but you? Has anyone ever looked at you funny because you laugh a bit too hard at your own jokes? Are you the funniest person you know? 

Then this article is for you! We here at The Radish are certified experts at laughing at our own jokes, so buckle up!

First, you have to know what makes you unfunny to other people when you obviously have been blessed by the gods with your humor and jokes. Is it your delivery, being with the wrong audience, or that you’re telling the same jokes? Considering it absolutely can’t be you in any way shape or form, identify that.

Next, you have to come up with the jokes themselves. Here’s some tips on writing your funniest jokes!

1. Be sleep deprived! Telling yourself a joke at 3 AM after not sleeping for 24 hours with your only audience being the shadow man in the corner speaking in tongues is the same as telling an audience! Look at him in the corner, with his little laugh! Isn’t it adorable and so validating? Use that!
2. Honestly it’s the same with water, don’t drink anything because you’ll start seeing more people besides the shadow man who will laugh at your jokes! (Don’t call them hallucinations or they won’t laugh at your jokes, because they aren’t hallucinations, they're an audience from another realm.)
3. Shift to your desired reality! Let’s be honest, all of us had this shifting TikToks  in 2020, we all saw those shifting videos. And all of them have tips for bending the fabrics of reality to be a comedian! They’re so trustworthy, and when you come back, your jokes will come back with you. Just ask your parents, who walked in on you in the middle of “shifting.” They aren’t laughing AT you, they’re laughing at your funny aura!
4. Learn what about your jokes makes other people laugh! If people tend to laugh more at your puns and delivery, then don’t focus on the type of jokes that rely on people knowing what you are talking about. It might be best to combine this with situational awareness. For example, if a banana truck explodes, don’t say “I bet they slipped on their peels!” That’s a horrible thing to say, and no one will laugh, believe me.People may not know about the fact that the truck was a banana truck. They will just smell the sweet smell of bananas with an undertone of burning human flesh. Instead, say “That’s bananas.” Nobody else may know what you’re talking about, but that would be a great joke later on! Who needs context when you’ve got crazy?
5. Ignore that last step entirely. Making jokes that rely on other people's suffering is the funniest thing anyone has ever heard! People will love your dark, edgy sense of humour. It attracts all the girls, and all the right type of guys! They’ll want to fist bump you so much that everyone when they hear your jokes will immediately start walking towards you with their fists raised!

And that, dear readers, is how to be funny when you actually suck! Follow all these steps to ensure your title as the funniest guy around!


No good ideas: How to be funny when you actually suck

One thought has been keeping me sane after my fifth(?) rewatching of the 80s-nostalgia-inducing movie Top Gun: Maverick: “gee, am I glad this movie combats climate change with its buff sweaty men.”

In my absolute favorite scene from any movie ever, the guys play dogfight beach football. If you haven't seen the scene already, then go do that: [Top Gun Maverick | Dogfight Beach Football](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g6MwNMbP_pg)

I promise you won’t regret it. Watching those muscled men roll around slick in the sand, tossing grimy footballs around, I remember that it’s not just hot in here. The planet is getting hotter. So, watching sweaty buff men playing fake football has increased my awareness of climate change. Roll the clip again! 

Dissidents of the Sweaty Buff Man theory (SBM theory) argue that undiscovered beaches, beaches without men dripping in sweat and water, are also extremely important to the ecosystem. SBM-free beaches are, after all, one of the only places animals can talk where no humans can hear them. 

But would we even be paying attention to the beaches at all without the SBM? And could what those animals are saying really be that important? Exactly. The sweaty buff men are crucial for battling climate change.

How Watching Sweaty Buff Men Play Volleyball Helps Fight Climate Change

For millennia, Chinese dynasties would grant themselves the Mandate of Heaven upon taking power, representing a claim that they were chosen by the gods to rule. How far we have strayed from this genius idea. How can the gullible, jaded students under Nemwan’s regime accept his position without divine confirmation? As the cycle in China would go, a government would go through a cycle of increasing controversy until an inevitable uprising and ousting. How much time is left for our head of state?

For these reasons and many more, I am taking the opportunity to claim the Mandate of Heaven for myself. That’s right, it is I, the most revered Radish writer in history [citation needed], who has the most legitimate claim for the Tech throne. You might find yourself asking what this legendary author has to offer, besides rugged good looks and unrivaled genius [citation needed] – I’m glad you asked, dear reader, and I’m flattered. Unlike current principal Dave “No Mandate” Nemwan, as I call him, I am a man of the people, with honesty to boot. That’s why I am running on the platform of introducing taxation and transferring the budget to myself – for honesty’s sake.

You may be asking, “why would a school tax its students?” That is a terrible question, and you have lost my respect, non-dear reader. However, I will explain. Disgraced soon-to-be-ex-principal Nemwan, much like the emperors of old, has failed to bring prosperity to our great nation school. Many students, instead of praising their deserved luxurious environment, can be constantly observed documenting filth and other (usually bathroom-related) criticisms. By collecting revenue, as the most populous high school in the country, Brooklyn Technical will rise to become the most feared ~~empire~~ school in all of America. This would allow for some necessities, like sparkling hallways, non-laughable technology at a technological school, and of course the establishment of a military program.

Oh, did you think you misread that? You did not. Once again looking back to ancient China, the answer has always laid in military conquest and glory. Otherwise, we risk the possibility of a rebellion and the installation of a communist regime. To placate the angry populace, Tech must challenge and absorb other NYC schools, and eventually the country. From there, world domination will be ripe for the taking. We know Nemwan is not the man to do it. I am. 

Does Our Principal have the Mandate of Heaven?

Have you tried useless monotropic diets like the rhubarb diet, cabbage soup diet, grapefruit diet, cookie diet, meat diet, baby food diet, IV diet, the protein shake diet, etc, and didn't turn into a beautiful Sky Radish? Well, forget about those other diets and try the one and only Radish Only Diet!!! (It’s better because it’s a proper noun).

Unlike the other aforementioned diets, the Radish Only Diet!!! is guaranteed to turn you into a 3.5 foot tall, 3 eyed, winged Sky Radish. After 10 months of consistently following this diet you should become  fully fledged with the power of flight, telepathy, and clairvoyance. Not only does the Radish Only Diet help you quickly become a Sky Radish, it also helps you become one in a healthy way–as opposed to the only other known method, which requires several tons of uranium. The Radish Only Diet provides the human body with vitamins: A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O, P, Q, R, S, T, U, V, W, X, Y, Z, (& now I know my ABC’s, next time won’t you sing with me), which are all vital to transformation without experiencing acute organ failure in the process. 

Now you may be wondering how you could possibly eat a diet of only radishes without eating raw radishes for every meal. Well, here at Radmir Mart Inc. we offer a wide range of prepared radish “food” products to make your dieting experience as tasty as possible!

For breakfast we have Radish Crunch™ cereal, Naked Radish™ juice (which is 100% natural but still extra sweet with 1000 grams of sugar in every 8 oz bottle), and Red Pastures Dairy™ milk which comes from free range, American Compost Fed Association, USDA organic, natural, American Humane Certified, Certified Humane, Global Plant Partnership, and Plant Welfare approved “Radish” farms. We also offer “foods” for the other two meals of the day: lunch and dinner. What do you mean you want a snack product? That’s ridiculous, Sky Radishes don’t snack.

For lunch we have Loaves of Dried Radishes™. No, they are not not sliced. Do it yourself. We also have circular slices of congealed radish paste, which is an off menu item at our deli counter. To order it, whisper the code word “radam” (pronounced Raa-dumb) in the cashier’s ear and you will be offered circular slices of hardened radish paste at a price that is entirely at the cashier’s discretion.

One of the dinner products we offer is Radish Root flavored Radmir’s Rad Raddy Soup™. We also offer  Radish Leaf flavored Radmir’s Rad Raddy Soup. Our third dinner product is Radmir’s Rad Raddy Soup™ in Radish Flower flavor. I could go on.

So come on!!! What are you waiting for? Head on over to your local Radmir Mart Inc. and start your Radish Only Diet journey!!!

This "article" was brought to you by Radmir Mart Inc.

Why a Radish Only Diet is The Best Diet

You say you go to a STEM school, and nobody bats an eye. You say you major in humanities, and the world goes mad. They ask me, "Why would you go to a STEM school if you hate math and love History and English?" They ostracize us because we do not fit into the sadistic mold of our society. Every day, when I walk past the top kids in the physics major, they heckle me and throw junk at me, knowing the exact angle at which to trip me up. When I accidentally bump into a BioSci major, it seems they have full jurisdiction to beat me in such a way that I have no visible injuries. I cannot take this dystopia anymore. I have not personally read the book 1984, but I imagine this is precisely what George Orwell was talking about.

You want to know who runs this school? No, you fool – it’s not our principal. He is merely a pawn to the cabal of the engineering majors. For what other reason would there be multiple selections for this one topic, and jack squat for my people? THE SIGNS ARE EVERYWHERE. Our sports teams are called The Engineers, for crying out loud. The other day, I was the victim of intentional harassment for speaking out against this glaring issue. Within 2 minutes, my phone burned to a crisp, a wire short circuited next to me, and a piece of falling wall nearly obliterated me. Clear targeting from the usual suspects: software, electrical, and civil. Disgusting.

Hope is not lost, right-brainers. The iron grip that STEM holds over this school is not absolute. I risk my career and my safety by doing so, but I am calling for a general protest against the oppression of humanities majors. L&S, SSR, Media – it is your duty to stand up and fight for your right, no, our right, to analyze text! Show the world that you cannot be silenced! It’ll work this time, I swear.

Thank you, dear reader, and make sure to catch my next article: “Why math should be removed from the SAT.”


The Radish

Ten Instances of Phenomenal Reporting by The Survey

More Articles: Feast on these!

“I put gold eyeshadow on my eyes, I can take it,” says person who absolutely cannot take it

No good ideas: How to be funny when you actually suck

How Watching Sweaty Buff Men Play Volleyball Helps Fight Climate Change