Gabrielle Greenblatt

November 2020

Ten Instances of Phenomenal Reporting by The Survey

Listicle

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They’re at it again. A very sinister force is overtaking this great nation, and most are unaware of the evil lurking underneath their very noses. This force is widespread – they have membership spanning the globe, and worst of all, they are shielded by the public media. They are the very same people that fooled the general public into watching Caillou. You know who. Children.

Big Child has most of our population wrapped around its fat, stubby finger. When’s the last time you saw somebody stand up and confront a crying child in a café, or worse, on an airplane? The people in charge don't want you to exercise your human right to silence and solitude. No, you're meant to sit down and even LAUGH at any such incident. Laugh? LAUGH?? At this incredulity??? I could be handling classified nuclear information in said coffee shop – what if somebody’s screaming spawn of terror causes me to make a mistake? Bye bye, Beijing!
              
Ever played a riveting game or sport with somebody, in accordance with our meticulously developed human nature? Not with a child, you haven't! What is the point of playing chess with, say, my younger cousin, if I can't wipe his puny army off the face of the earth and then drag my king across the board while saying “BOW DOWN, PEASANT”? You would think I would get cheers from my family for my conquest, but no. Only stares. Apparently, I was meant to LOSE. Lose? LOSE?? To this pathetic excuse for a leader??? I think not.

The immunity that society gives to these people is sickening. If you try to restore sense and order to our backwards world, Uncle Bob might even step in. Uncle Bob, you are one hell of a helicopter parent. Just the other day, I was buying groceries when two children ran past my shopping cart in quick succession, sending my Cinnamon Toast Crunch flying across the floor. Do I get an apology? No, of course not. Can you guess what society’s reaction is to chasing two children through a crowded store while threatening them? The judge recommended 30 days of JAIL. Jail? JAIL?? For exacting revenge for my beloved Crunch??? Ridiculous.

Society just isn't for people like me and you, the common-sense folk who can see past the veil of the status quo. Our job is a thankless one, but it must be done. I ask you, resist Big Child’s influence. Do not surrender to the mob.
             

Big Child has convinced you that it's wrong to hate children

We’ve all been there, the teacher is checking homework and you haven’t done it. You're pressed to come up with an excuse, and under the pressure, you freeze up and say nothing or say something ridiculous like a Sky Radish told me there was no homework. How embarrassing! That's not going to help you form a positive relationship with your teachers. How will you ever get a recommendation letter?

Not to worry, the Radish is here to help! Here's the top excuses to say in case you haven't done your homework.

1) I Left my Homework at Home

This excuse is plausible. Your teacher might roll their eyes, but you might get a chance to turn in the homework late.

2) I Dropped My Homework in the Subway Tracks.

Haha L bozo. I bet this isn't even an excuse and that this actually happened to you.

3) A Subway Rat Stole my Homework

Rats are ruthless about their nesting materials, and the homework of BTHS students is one of their top picks. Everyone knows this, and you've probably actually had a rat steal your homework before. I know I have.

4) The MTA Ate my Homework

With rising costs to maintain the Subway system, the MTA has begun confiscating papers to burn as fuel for the eternal fire burning in the pit of the Grand Central Auntie Anne’s. The issue of papers being confiscated is so prevalent that your teacher has probably experienced it so they will definitely understand.  

5) Elon Musk Ate my Homework

Elon Musk has been recorded eating paper in New York City, so eating homework isn't too much of a stretch. You won’t have to do your homework since all teachers know how traumatic it is to encounter Elon Musk, let alone have your homework eaten by him. Make sure to use this excuse sparingly since he only travels to New York City once a week to eat paper.


Top Realistic Excuses To Give For Why You Didn't Do Your Homework  

You read that right. We’re rebranding Tech! Everything from the scaffolding to the missing bathroom mirrors is getting a sleek, new look! 

Firstly, we’re changing the name. Brooklyn Techni… *snore* TOO LONG. We voted out the names of old white men like Brooklyn Technical (that racist bastard), meaning we’re left with “6000 EPIC school.” Yes, it may seem “corny” at first but say it a couple of times and suddenly it just sounds… epic! The 6000 is for every one of our amazing and smart students and the “EPIC” is because it describes the school. It also stands for “Every Person Is Cool” because telling white lies to students is fine.

Secondly, we’re rebranding the daily announcements. Every single day, we get ourselves wished a; “technicolor tuesday” or a “Fridge-filled Friday” and a shoutout for the “handball” team. (what even is handball?) So to fix this or “sleek-ify” it we’ll have students submit things to put in these announcements. Remember guys, minimalism is cool, the less you say the more you matter. (pro-tip: Your worth is measurable)

Thirdly, we’ll be closing the auditorium completely. We figured then it would be funner for the hall monitors. As of right now, according to the AP Stats curriculum, they’re only kicking out 36 PPF (people per floor) from the halls periods 1-5 and 22 PPF in periods 6-10. Our goal is to raise these numbers and force more kids out of the halls only for them to realize that they don’t have anywhere to go! It’ll be a great bonding experience and bring the students and staff closer together. Epic right?!

Fourthly, we’ve decided to remove all bathrooms from the school. We believe that they’re unnecessary and distract students from the important aspects of school like seeing how many Brisks are in the vending machines, and loitering on staircase landings. Our mission statement is to “teach the children (under any means necessary)” so that’s what we’ll do. No more peeing for the children, I say! 

Fifthly, the scaffolding will be removed. Since when did we care about structural integrity anyways? Plus, the LAS majors said that the civil engineering majors approved it and LAS majors know what they’re talking about. So, it’s coming down. Key Club is even offering points if you help with its removal! 10 pts for 2.5 hours! Come help out on Sunday morning and pray that the school doesn’t collapse on top of you!

And with that, Tech will be successfully rebranded. Any more rebranding suggestions would be appreciated; the more suspicious the better!


Re-Branding Tech

Dear Santa,

I’ve been a good little boy this year I swear. I don’t know what my mother said when she called you but I swear, I put a total of zero (!) kids' heads in the toilet at school. On the other hand, I have helped a total of seven kids with math homework and they passed the class! My mother told me that she is “Santa’s best friend” and that “Santa’s always listening.” That’s kind of creepy, I think you should stop. I have authority to say things like that to you on the grounds that my mother is your friend. 

Anyways a couple days ago when I was much younger, I was walking on the street and I saw this kid. He looked exactly like me. No joke he was my legitimate separated-at-birth twin. I totally didn’t stalk him but it turns out that he goes to my school. And he’s a real bully. I saw him stuff four kids into a singular locker with an entire rotisserie chicken! Like where did he even come up with such a brilliant horrible idea? I also saw him eat a kids notebook straight off the desk papers and all; the kid was hysterical. “Oh no where will I take notes,” “My mother’s gonna kill me,” “I spent my lunch money on that trip to Muji.” It was really funny…Is what I would’ve not been thinking about had I witnessed that. Obviously my doppelganger is evil, twisted, wack in the noggin’ or whatever you want to call it but I’m not. I’m a good little lad with an evil doppelganger who terrorizes children for fun and also has the same first and last name as me. Don’t check the yearbook because there’s only one picture and it’s me. The yearbook committee said something about “taking advantage of identical twins to cut printing costs.” And also, you’ll never see me and my doppelganger in the same room because I despise that tottering maggot-pie and I can’t stand the smell of his personality. I mean, can you blame me? He once threw a computer cart out a seventh floor window and it killed a rat! A rat! 

So, just a quick reminder Santa, when you’re making your naughty and your nice lists this year, I’m not that kid. I’m the other one. The nice one who does nice things and cares about rats and other rodents and such. Got it? Call my mom to confirm before you make any hasty decisions ok?

Bye, 
Scotty 

A Letter To Santa

Brooklyn Tech emails were recently leaked showing numerous pre-written emails from over a decade ago. Among these emails were some patch notes for The Game of Life, predictions that came true to an uncanny amount, and secret documents revealing the original (and likely unchanged) procedures for any type of natural disaster. In this need-to-know special report, we’ll be reviewing the shark protocol, which reveals what happens during a flash flood.
For one, Brooklyn Tech has a built-in boat from floors 5 through 8. Upon a flash flood, the upper floors of the building will detach from the lower floors, and a raft will be deployed. Any and all elevators will be left behind in the process.

So what should you worry about?

Brooklyn Tech will throw overboard any people who don’t meet the following requirements. In order to ensure your safety, you must fall under the following requirements:

* Weigh at most 80 pounds.
* Be useful to the Protocol.
* Can’t swim.
* Hate English and/or History classes.
* Be useless to the Protocol.
* Be a terrible person.
* Produce/Consume some kind of salt.
* Play SmashKarts.io.
* Own Lego salt/pepper shakers.
* Not be in a club that is related to the sciences.
* Own a drum set.
* Submit an application to a shutdown website.
* Be 12.
* Be -34
* Receive a psychopathy diagnosis from a board-certified psychiatrist.
* Be at most a 2/10 on the Richter Scale
* Own an exotic pet.
* Love mirrors and/or identify as a chair.
* Own a packet of freeze-dried french fries 20 years beyond expiration.
* Own a pack of brownies with a sell-by date of February 30th,1953.
* Know how to flawlessly say your ABC’s backwards.
* Have zero spice tolerance.
* Not be able to read.
* Be Finnish
* Be finish.

Overall, these are all the requirements to not be thrown overboard. If you want to live, these are your requirements. You want life? This is your only chance. Good luck, Brooklyn Tech resident.


NEW LEAKED DOCUMENTS REVEAL WHAT WILL HAPPEN UNDER THE EVENT BTHS BECOMES A BOAT (THE REVEALS ARE SHOCKING)

 I’m not gonna beat around the bush here, folks. We’re powerscaling babies. That’s all the introduction we need. Let’s get into it.

**The Gerber Baby:** Like me, you may have the commercial that advertises a financial “grow-up” plan irreplaceably implanted in your brain. One can only imagine how many stacks the baby that crawls atop the Gerber empire is sitting on. I doubt that they would hold their own in a fight, but there’s no doubt they have some favors they could call in. **B TIER.**

**The Teletubbies Sun:** The sun is the baby? What are they teaching kids these days? Ignoring the BLATANT biological mistake, this unholy creation is seemingly impossible to defeat. I’m struggling to come up with things to say here because, you know, IT’S THE SUN. Have you ever thrown hands with the sun? Didn’t think so. Not even a billion lions would stand a chance. **S TIER.**

**Baby Mario:** Where do I start with this guy? To take responsibility for a past error, I used him in Mario Kart for a good portion of my life. Once I was made aware of his lack of a license, I swiftly switched to Donkey Kong, disappointed that I had missed one of the many evils of this big-nosed devil. Look up a picture of baby Mario right now and tell me you don’t feel a visceral anger rise up from deep inside you. Make your own fame like the rest of us instead of riding the coattails of your hero father, baby Mario. **N TIER (for Nepotism).**

**Baby Crawling Around a Construction Site in Looney Toons:** Strongest creature in the Toonverse. No matter what harm inevitably comes to the innocent Toms and Jerries around them, God’s favorite child remains unscathed. How the hell did this baby even get here, anyway? The crane operator can’t see a live infant crawling across a steel beam towards a misplaced conveyor belt? We’re lucky that this baby remains ambivalent about its surroundings, and that we don’t feel its wrath. **SSS TIER.**

**Baby Back Ribs:** Immediately, we have to dock points for not being a baby. Pretty significant points, actually, considering that’s the only criterion here. However, I will also add a resounding boost given its dominance in the “delicious” category. I would rather not investigate how the other competitors farein that regard. **C TIER.**

**Baby (Justin Bieber ft. Ludacris):** Let’s be real bros. This song is CRINGE! Not powerful at all. I’m also removing points for Justin’s Canadian origins. This has nothing to do with babies, but I’m making this list and I can do whatever I want. Unfortunately, due to YouTube’s egregious obstruction of justice with the removal of the dislike counter, the video has been shielded from the public’s mass outrage. Not here, folks. We stand for democracy. **F TIER.**

![image](https://cdn.vox-cdn.com/thumbor/5GVe2Ft1FiBEUN4Lk0gC-UNrWkY=/0x0:680x676/1720x0/filters:focal(0x0:680x676):format(webp):no_upscale()/cdn.vox-cdn.com/uploads/chorus_asset/file/8584969/boss_baby.jpg)

The Radish

Ten Instances of Phenomenal Reporting by The Survey

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