Lawer Nyako ∙ 12/23/2021 ∙ December 2021
While we slowly bake like a slice of toast in the warming convection oven that is Earth, Brooklyn Tech students are reaping the benefits of this very harmful beneficial situation. You thought the NYC subway was unsafe before, well, with climate change, get ready to have a lot more delays due to suspicious floating scuba suits. With funky fresh new flooding, now you can travel across the tunnels of our great city with the power of tin cans (for the financially insecure) or old subway cars (for the bourgeoisie elite).
Flooding won’t just help the subways, though. At the start of every semester, every tech student’s biggest fear is seeing their schedule and finding out they have a class in the basement. And the Brooklyn Tech staff, being the sadists that they are, will certainly have that class be right before lunch. Well, for the price of just a few extra inches in sea level, this problem goes away. Once we completely engulf the basement (maybe even some of the lower floors) with water, Brooklyn Tech will be rid of the leading cause of leg injuries among students to date. And, besides the benefits of floods, snow days will likely be worse (in a good way)! In the old days, we could’ve skipped school more. However, it’s harder to profit from snow days now. Harder, not impossible, even though As you may be thinking that because the DOE has made snow days virtual, snow days don’t really matter. But if you, a BTHS student, think you still can’t reap the benefits of these worsened snow days, you’ve clearly forgotten that the heating in your apartment sucks, and your 7-year-old laptop is literally incapable of comprehending temperatures below 30. This is a blessing in disguise because you now have a one-way ticket to acquiring frostbite and skipping class even more. At the start of every semester, every tech student’s biggest fear is seeing their schedule and finding out they have a class in the basement. And the Brooklyn Tech staff, being the sadists that they are, will certainly have that class be right before lunch. They will then force students to endure climbing hundreds of stairs every single day. Now, what if for the price of just a few extra inches in sea level this problem could go away? How, I hear you ask? By completely flooding the basement. With this, the basement (maybe even some of the lower floors) will be engulfed by water, ridding Brooklyn Tech of the largest cause of leg injuries among students to date. And, with the basement (and possibly some of the lower floors) becoming a giant swimming pool, Brooklyn Tech conveniently has people perfectly prepared to use this to their advantage: the swim team. Sure, we already had a pool, but now we have more pool. Throw a couple of giant water filters into the school, and you have access to multiple Olympic pools in one, which also has access to a built-in locker room and forensic room (to check on anyone who doesn’t get out). Although many other school’s swim teams will be able the enjoy the benefits of a flooded school (not Stuyvesant, though, since their escalators would electrify the pool and create a giant watery frying pan for any would-be midwestern county fair enthusiasts), due to Brooklyn Tech’s architecture, Tech’s swim team and their world-renowned mega pool will dominate in swimming competitions for years to come. The figure eight of the building and the labyrinth of the basement will be sure to revolutionize swimming pool technology.
Whether it becomes melting hot or freezing cold, climate change will revolutionize the in-school travel methods of everyone at Tech. The bottoms of our shoes will either melt or freeze, giving us the ability to slide around the hallways. Not only will this rapidly speed up the hallway movement at Tech leading to the creation of a new track sport (cross-hallway track), but also, it will give Tech this multi-floor ice rink that will make Tech the most popular generic first date site in the borough year-round. This will be combined with inherently making the stair leagues better, making it easier, and adding a fun factor while not changing the danger level in any meaningful way to the down staircase. Although going upstairs will become impossible in this condition, this may finally be the thing that causes them to fix the elevators. All of this should be enough to convince us that climate change should continue to happen. In fact, we as Tech students should lead this charge. Let’s make cows eat as many beans as possible to make the gassiest farts. Let’s have our phones rely on oil for power. Let’s drill directly below that one weird room in the basement that never opens because we all know the environmental kids are hiding the oil and coal there to “stop people from accessing the boiler.” We need to do this not only for our benefit but for the benefit of all future tech students in history class, who will have us to thank for improving transportation, sports, academics, and mental health for Brooklyn Tech students around the world.