As a group of old “climate” scientists warm their hands with car exhaust, they discuss a new phenomenon: climate change. The three have trudged through hours of acid rain to get here.
“I don’t understand,” says one, confused. This is Albert, the youngest one on the team at the chipper age of 58. He is sometimes naïve but is mostly just plain dumb. “I thought we agreed we could just ignore that forever,” he continues, stupidly.
“What is this ‘climate change’ thingamajig you speak of?” Pipes up Garrison. Garrison is the shortest one on the team and uses the word ‘thingamajig’ in hopes that his weird vocabulary will distract from the fact that he is vertically challenged. “It simply doesn’t exist,” shrugs Garrett, who sometimes gets confused with Albert except he’s not stupid and is actually very woke. “For example, the other day it was 85° and sunny–” “It’s February,” cut in Albert, stupidly. This stupid, stupid statement earns Albert a slap on the cheek. Garrett’s hand is warm on his face (because of climate change), and smells of car exhaust mixed with hints of ozone? Albert flinches and asks, “Have you been eating ozone again?” Garrett has a seizure from his intense repulsion at the accusation as Garrison watches from afar, amused. When Garrett becomes comprehensible again, he immediately threatens to call pest control on Albert for being “too much like a cockroach.”
Garrison attempts to leave; the toxic energy is contributing to his large, shiny bald spot. But the smog is too thick to see through for him to leave (unlike his hair). As chaos and water levels rise, Albert shouts at Garrett, “CLIMATE CHANGE IS REAL, YOU SMALL IMBECILE!” Garrison's face lights up, thingamajigs are getting exciting, but he says nothing as Garrett looks at him, registering all 4 feet and 7 inches of Garrison's tiny existence before the water level rises too high and his short “friend” is engulfed in the chocolate-milk-colored liquid. “I told you we should’ve met in a taller building,” says Garrett, face-palming because he’s young at heart. “No! You should have realized when we visited Yosemite that there are supposed to be trees in National Parks!” Albert’s lungs are burning but he continues. “You should have realized that icebergs are supposed to be bigger than 6 feet by 9 feet, and that the sky is supposed to be blue! It’s not supposed to be dark all day, Garret.”
Albert’s lungs collapsed shortly after this from ESI (excessive smog inhalation) and he slipped into the milky water. To this day, Garrett still believes his death was because of that nasty smoking habit of his.
Garrison’s body was never found. Researchers concluded that it was his lack of mass combined with the fact that Garrett ate the ozone layer that caused his body to float off the Earth and into the cosmos. Garrett agreed though he never really believed in climate change, anyway.
Garrett was later found to have died of ignorance. No one attended his funeral. So, what did we learn from this insightful meeting? Be a Garrett or be an Albert, and you’ll die anyways!