TOBIAS CEN ∙ 02/25/2021 ∙ February 2021
Valentine’s day is always a special holiday for romantics and non-romantics alike. Whether you’re enjoying time with your significant other, or venting online about how bad this holiday is because you’re lonely, there’s one constant that is never amiss in every Valentine’s celebration: chocolate.
However, readers be warned: not all chocolates are made equal. Some are sweet, some are salty, and some are small explosives planted by the Illuminati (or maybe some other secret organization that plans world domination/damnation). Today, we’ll show you how to tell the difference between a legit Valentine’s chocolate box and an explosive device that could cause considerable harm to you and your property.
First, let’s identify the choice of weapon that would likely be inside a chocolate assortment box. Dynamite is the most common explosive in chocolate boxes, though pipe bombs and Molotov cocktails have also been substituted in certain special cases.
A dynamite explosion, even a potential one, is no joke. I had the unfortunate experience of having my house decimated after a chocolate box was ignited in an uncalled-for “accident.” (To the neighbors who bought the chocolate box: if you’re reading this, may the gods curse you and your offspring. As a result of your despicable actions, I lost my original, limited-edition Hatsune Miku body pillow that I bought last year off an eBay auction. It cost $500, more than your life will ever be worth.)
From here, we begin to analyze your chocolate box. If you’re ordering a run-of-the-mill chocolate, like those boring Ferrero Rochers, you’re safe. There are no commercially-produced explosives that fit inside such a small box. Trust me, I’ve tried. You can enjoy your unimaginative and uninteresting chocolates in safety and boredom.
But if you are more adventurous and order a <a href=https://www.li-lacchocolates.com/Valentine-Chocolate-Heart-Giant target=_blank rel=nopener noreferrer24-inch 5.7 lb chocolate box</a online at 4 AM after having a mental breakdown, you might be in for a bit more than you bargained for. These types of boxes are the perfect size for dynamite to be placed in, so watch out. Once you receive your package, it is best that you refrain from opening it in your house. Opening the package could ignite the explosive, immediately obliterating you and your original, limited-edition Hatsune Miku body pillow. (However, instances of chocolate boxes detonating instantly after opening are rare. A survey conducted in 2019 recorded only 2 out of 420 of such cases occurring in the United States, so it is more than likely that you won’t be blown to smithereens just by opening the chocolate box.)
Once the box has been opened, peer inside to check its contents. If you see a pile of regular assorted chocolates, you're good to go! However, if you see a timer wrapped around a bundle of long, red sticks, you’re screwed. A box with those contents is a chocolate box with dynamite in it 98.6% of the time.
Even in such dire circumstances, do not freak out. Depending on the timer, you could have between 28 minutes to 36 hours to dispose of the bomb. Just stay calm and call 911 to report the incident. Evacuate the area around the bomb immediately, and notify your neighbors to alert them of the threat. Unless those neighbors are my neighbors. Do not attempt to throw or destroy the box; you could harm yourself in doing so.
Remember: the worst thing you could do is leave that monstrosity of a chocolate box unattended in a corner of your house. There’s no definitive probability of buying a dynamite-rigged chocolate box, and if you’re not aware of the threat, you could pay dearly for your ignorance.
Have fun and stay safe during this holiday! Valentine’s day is dedicated to enjoying time with your significant other, no matter if they’re real or a 2D character, like Hatsune Miku. It’s not every day that we get the chance to rejoice and notice love, so appreciate the time you get to. Even if you’re single, you can treat yourself with love, and always, always remember that you’re never alone. Binge-watch romance movies, indulge in quality, non-explosive chocolate, and always know that Big Brother is watching over you.