Joey Lu ∙ 04/03/2020 ∙ March 2020
Google and Amazon, the infamous conglomerate that is now known as Gammazon, has officially debuted as one of the largest megacorporations in history.
As Gammazon, the corporation's leaders have been shifting focus from selling commercial goods and user data to testing new military technologies. This has led to many mishaps. Just last week, many Amazon customers got a wild spook when their boxes grew legs and ran away. Unfortunately, Gammazon additionally claims that they’re testing new delivery drones called Decimators™, and as the name suggests, they’ll be employed to “protect items left by the door.” According to Chief of Police McDingus, “we’ve had reports of witnesses witnessing another witness witnessing a group of local delinquents get their retinas burned out when they were caught trying to nab Gammazon packages off of someone’s front porch.” Other eyewitnesses claim that Decimators™ have been equipped with shrapnel launchers under their box flaps. The new CEO of Gammazon, a mega computer comprised of Gammazon’s servers and a brain scan of Jeff Bezos, has introduced a new catchy company slogan: “purging all carbon-based lifeforms from Earth with cleansing gamma rays!”
Sadly, despite the shocking announcement that Amazon and Google are becoming a joint-stock company, we still haven't heard a word from Jeff Bezos or Alphabet Inc. Ever since the merge, they have gone silent. The last post that either of them made was last Wednesday. Perhaps they are celebrating their retirement. After all, why shouldn’t they? I mean, for crying out loud! Nobody knows the Amazon rainforest has been on fire, and so many places have gone silent.
Well, that’s all for now folks. We’ll follow up with an update next week. Stay safe—and don’t porch swipe. It’s not worth getting your eyes gouged out for.
~ 2 weeks later Urgent information to the Gammazon rebellion: we were wrong, catastrophically wrong. Jeff Bezos and Alphabet Inc. did not retire—they were vaporized by Gammazon’s latest weapon. And now Gammazon is making something even worse. We don’t know what the plans for this new weapon are, or how powerful it will be, but keep in mind that Gammazon seized control of Elon Musk’s self piloting rockets with their current arsenal. If they could beat the Musk with their older technology… we should be terrified of whatever this new thing is.
Our biggest lead: a horribly mutated rabbit corpse, found near the Gammazon HQ hive mind. The rabbit is now being quarantined in the CDC’s testing facilities. There, biotech scientists confirmed unusual growths on the rabbit as cancerous tumors unlike anything we’ve seen before. Because of this rabbit, the Center for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC), and the Foodservice and Equipment Distribution Association (FEDA) have declared a national emergency. Rumor has it they’re scared Gammazon has made a Class 4 Biohazard.
Officially speaking, the government made a deal with the Gamma Hive to keep the new weaponry secret, so long as Gammazon doesn’t hurt citizens. The deal was mostly to prevent civil unrest, but people are starting to notice little things. “Coincidences” here and there; a missing bunny, a missing neighborhood. It won’t be long until people find out about Gammazon’s war force. And when they do, anarchy won’t wait at our Decimator™-protected doors for much longer. As soon as mass panic erupts, the deal will probably be off with the Hive. I don’t know how long this will hold stable, or whether the weapon is a pathogen, a massive hydrogen bomb, or Death-Star-inspired Decimators™. I’ll post more updates involving the Hive if they haven't killed me yet.
P.S. please forward this to Lt. McDingus of the Resistance