Ilana Rahim Braden ∙ 05/27/2021 ∙ May 2021
The ice cream community can be so elitist. People bash me for my preferences, something I can’t control. Don’t you think that’s messed up? When I get comfortable, thinking I can finally reveal my true self, my ice cream always comes back to bite me. My friends and peers all shun me. I am so lonely. Worst of all, you, the reader, a stranger, might abandon me, refuse to look at me if you found out- so here’s your warning. You may start to hate me. It has happened time and time again.
I’ve had a different palette for as long as I can remember. I experiment. When I was first starting out, I took to other people’s slightly controversial takes, like the icy chunks of strawberry in strawberry ice cream, combining mint and chocolate, dipping fries in your shake, or adding cereal to your ice cream. With these tests, however, it didn’t take me long to figure out what really makes people mad: what you add to regular vanilla ice cream. It is, after all, the perfect base for a treat. So plain, so sweet, so perfect. So plain.
What if there were a way to quickly add a punch to plain vanilla? Well, of course there is. Now, stay with me here, when it comes to mustard, the mere mention has gotten many people to say that I crossed a line. But mustard is my favorite condiment. Its multipurpose capabilities are unrivaled. Why can’t I add it to ice cream? There are few sauces so versatile and with such variety.
Yet people have the idiocy and lack of tongue to call mustard disgusting. What confuses me the most is how you people hate mustard, but add a little honey to it, and then it’s suddenly the perfect dipping sauce for your chicken nuggets. Shows what good your taste buds are when your sweet tooth has a say. Pathetic. Give into the honey, add some vanilla, and you’ll see. Yet when you combine ice cream and mustard, people don’t like you. In an ideal world, vanilla, so plain, begging for variety, and mustard, so beautiful and versatile… they would work together so well. In reality, you’re removed from all the ice cream groups for mixing them. When you contrast other flavors, like sweet and sour (gummy ice cream), sweet and spicy (chili powder ice cream), and sweet and salty (salted caramel ice cream), no one bats an eye. But when I add a little yellow to my vanilla, society goes wild! This is just another underground flavor waiting to hit the mainstream. You’ll see. You’ll all see.