Things Tech is Spending Money On Instead of Fixing the Toilets and Pipes

Valerie Budiman05/31/2024


#From the field



  1. Mr. Newman’s MegaThrone: Built by unpaid students in the Civil Engineering, Architecture, and Industrial Design majors, Newman’s MegaThrone is a living artifact that slowly grows in size every day. It was originally built as an office chair for the first principal of Tech, and as the years passed, each successive principal added more and more furnishings to the MegaThrone. The most updated model of the MegaThrone has cup holders, a coffee maker, a space heater, massage guns, a closet, a shower, a functioning waste system, a feeding system, a TV with a lifetime Netflix subscription, and 64 storage units for miscellaneous items, each with 64 square kilometers of space. The entirety of Staten Island is also a part of the MegaThrone. The MegaThrone is located on the secret eleventh floor of Tech, and top researchers from around the country are currently trying to engineer a Big Shiny Red Button as the next addition of the MegaThrone. $15 in funds are allocated for research and development, while another $50 million is being used to build a twelfth floor to accommodate the addition of the Big Shiny Red Button.

  2. Psychological Damages Insurance Fund: Ever since 1972, Tech has kept a fund to pay off lawsuits that have arisen from the trauma of being a Tech student. This is because of an incident that happened on June 26, 2023, where senior Krai Ying Yin Da Shao Wa sued Tech for $46 million in psychological damages. Many alumni have followed in his footsteps and sued Tech for PTSD (Post Tech Stress Disorder) or other emotional damages. Tech’s lawyers have declined to comment.

  3. Offerings: The 6-headed snake that lives in the 2nd floor southeast elevator requires offerings once a fortnight. Every time an offering is missed, another crisis occurs in Tech. The stuck elevator, the bathroom fire, the air pollution, and the flood were all caused by the snake, named Malum. To prevent more emergencies, each of its heads have to be fed 6 kilograms of solid gold annually, totaling to about $6 million in funds per year. Malum is also the reason why there is scaffolding around the school; it prevents him from escaping (again).

  4. Military: In the event of a war with Stuyvesant, Brooklyn Tech has built up a sizable military, comparable to that of Japan. It mainly consists of the Air Force, staffed virtually by senior Aerospace majors after they take their FAA class. The fighter jets cost about $250,000, and another $30,000 a year to maintain. 30 jets are crashed every year, and the students manning them are not paid. Tech’s military also has access to B.O. gas weapons built by students in the Chemical Engineering major, each costing about $5 million. These students are not paid either; working on some kind of chemical weapons required to pass.

  5. Printers: As we all know, Tech has state-of-the-art, prime quality printers. We wouldn’t have our incredible, properly functioning printers if it weren’t for the $8 that Tech has spent on the hammer used to fix them. There has never been a single printing error in the history of Tech: no text cut off the paper, no random scanner lines going down the page, and most notably, there have been no worksheets with only one side printed. After all, you can’t have Tech without its top-notch technology.

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