Shai Chiapetta ∙ 05/09/2022 ∙ May 2022
This past Friday, I was just walking down the beach, minding my own business, when I heard my friend Sally’s voice. But she wasn’t talking about her usual topics (mostly how bad her classes and teachers are). Instead, she was selling sea shells. When I asked her about it, she said that she had managed to make over $200 in sales in just the last four hours, despite the fact that there were sea shells all around the ground around her. It did strike me as odd that she had taken up this business seemingly out of the blue, and was somehow successful in it, but to me it seemed less surprising and more… simply “cool.” I forgot about it within a few hours. But on Sunday, something similar happened. My friend Peter Piper called to say he had picked the wrong pack of pickled peppers and wanted to see if I wanted it. Now, I didn’t even know that Peter liked peppers at all, let alone pickled ones. I told him no, but he should ask our mutual friend Stella, as she is known to like them. That’s when things really started. He said he wasn’t able to reach her, because she had apparently dropped her cell phone down her entire apartment building’s staircase- a staircase made of steel- and she lives on the seventh floor. So, yeah, no phone for Stella. Now, I was pretty weirded out. It could not be a coincidence that all of these tongue twisters were all coming true, could it? I decided to ask my friend, the woodchuck, the next day. It wasn’t too hard to find him, as you don’t normally see woodchucks chucking wood. I asked him about his experience, and he replied in his growly voice. Here was our conversation. Me: So, Mr. Woodchuck. How are you enjoying your newfound strengthened abilities? WC: Quite well, in fact. I’ve been chucking as much wood as I can. Me: Well, sir, I am glad to hear you’ve been having a good time. I’d like to ask a bit about recent events. WC: Certainly. Me: How did you find out that you had suddenly gained this new ability? WC: Well, I, too, noticed that tongue twisters are becoming true. It all began when a bear I know, a real floofy guy by the name Fuzzy Wuzzy, suddenly seemed to have no hair. At that point I could assume he was quite un-fuzzy. Then I saw five frogs hopping down the river, pursued by, must have been forty or fifty fish. And it didn’t help that we’re in New York while all this is going down. Me: No, no it didn't. WC: So, after that I just had to give it a shot. I picked up a piece of wood and tried to chuck it, and what do you know, it worked! Me: Lovely. WC: Quite. Me: And… uh… so, how much wood does it turn out you can chuck? WC: Well, according to tradition, I can chuck just as much as I can. Not super helpful, huh? In practice, I can chuck about 17 pounds per hour. Me: Would you happen to know how this came to be? How all of these tongue twisters are coming true? WC: I haven’t the slightest clue. But I do know that I love it. I would chuck all the wood if I could. The woodchuck was wonderfully cheerful but not a bit helpful. I tried to ask another such living tongue twister, an ever-present pheasant I knew from middle school. We had a wonderful conversation about classical saxophone but ultimately got nowhere with regards to the issue at hand. I tried to ask some silly sheep, but all they could do was sleep, and if they ever woke up to hear a question they would start weeping until they fell asleep again.
I asked Sally, as she had been the first person I was aware of to follow the tongue twisters, but she said she had seen others do it first. As of now, the cause of this is unknown, but we are currently looking into the situation with all the effort we can. If anyone has any information, clues, or grip-top socks, please bring them to The Radish IMMEDIATELY. This is a crisis that could have unpredictable effects on society and we must stop the course of events while we still have the chance. Bye bright bygoer, by a- It’s too late.