Unexpected New Leader in Vaccine Race

Jacob Schles04/23/2021April 2021


#Timeless news

With Pfizer, Moderna, Johnson, and Johnson vaccines being spooned into the mouths, arms, and hearts of millions, vaccination rates are skyrocketing. With the introduction of a new vaccine, produced by Production of Manufacturing Pharmaceutical Products Industries Incorporated Inc. LLC, that rate is only gonna get higher and higher. This vaccine truly is an exciting new development that has all the epidemiologists saying “Wowza!” in a good way. The name of the new vaccine is still up to debate and is in the process of being decided by an internet poll. Currently, the name “Vaccinations are a scam created by Jill Biden and her team of sentient lizards” is in the lead.

This vaccine is also still in the early stages of testing. Currently, it’s only being tested on small rodents, members of the CTC, and my sister. These tests have been unsuccessful so far; side effects include dizziness, forgetfulness, dizziness, comas lasting five to six weeks, and being easily distracted by shiny objects, like that fork on my desk.

The pharmaceutical company that created the vaccine boasts a 200% effectiveness rate. So, when the vaccinated individual foolishly catches COVID, they gain bonus abilities. These abilities include resistance to fire and bullets, digesting rocks, and being able to tell the difference between two dogs of the same breed. The 200% effectiveness rate was entirely derived from tests on an employee named Jeffery, who may or may not have had these abilities before.

Side effects on non-Jeffery participants include anxiety, paranoia, and sleepwalking, as well as a blinking red light in their arm, which Bill Gates has insisted is just a pimple. Anti-vaxxers have had a field day with this new vaccine, and Facebook’s servers have reported a 68% increase in stinky takes running through their servers. However, many have been disappointed.

A local negligent parent, who has asked to stay anonymous and uninformed, has called the vaccine boring. “I just wish this vaccine was harmless like the other ones. There’s no fun when the vaccine’s makers do the work of making it look bad for you. I miss the Pfizer days, days when you could claim that life-saving medicine was responsible for the Iraq war.” Doctors around the world have petitioned this vaccine, calling it dangerously cool. But no matter the side effects, experts are excited by this promisingly new option for vaccine-seekers, even if it’s only to make the other vaccines look even better.

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