Santiago Vira

Vania von Ussar

![Zootopia Quiz](https://storage.googleapis.com/radish-2bd31.appspot.com/old-assets/zootopia-quiz.png "Zootopia Quiz")


January 2022

Which Zootopia Character Are You?

Quiz

Ever since the New York Times finally decided to get with the times and start putting digital games on their website, they’ve gathered quite the collection of activities. Their list of brain-games notably contains Wordle, a game they purchased and then single handedly tanked. Last Monday, however, digital subscribers to the famous newspaper saw a new game added to its repertoire. The game's title? Two Trumps And A Lie.

This politically charged game tests your knowledge on the chaotic political scene of the U.S., A scene that has remained unchanged since Donald Trump's second inauguration as President of the United States. 

The game is based on the popular icebreaker game, Two Truths And A Lie, in everything including name. Players see three headlines involving the incumbent president’s activities; Two of them are real, true things he has either said or done throughout his first month in office, while the last one is a satirical headline. The player’s job is to guess which headline is fake.

The original posting of the game on the New York Times website was immediately met with varied responses from all circles. Most critics on the left praised the Times for their brave approach in tackling the more controversial sides of the first month of Trump’s second term, with one critic from the Los Angeles Times stating: 

“It is a game that wishes to fully point a finger at Trump’s controversy and advocate for resistance of his policies when Congress doesn’t. And it’s a hell of a lot better than Wordle, that’s for sure.”

However, a huge portion of the right has bashed the Times for being too politically charged and biased in a time where misinformation runs rampant. Unsurprisingly, the leader of this criticism is none other than the President himself, who proclaimed in a press conference yesterday that “[The Game] is an absolute disgrace to fair journalism in this country, and it’s especially harsh toward me.” 

In the week following the official  publication of Two Trumps And A Lie, results from the playerbase’s past games have been compiled, and they are certainly telling. Only 17% of players guessed correctly. Let it be known that some of the satirical articles in the game included: “President Trump nominates Nikocado Avocado as head of FDA”, “President Trump announces 50% tariffs on anime imported from Japan”, and “President Trump sneezes, blames it on Joe Biden”. For now, as people argue whether games like this are socially reprehensible, we can at least see a glimpse of what is to come of America. And all collectively pour good ol’ bleach in our eyes.

Spring 2025

New York Times Unveils Hardest Game Yet: Two Trumps And A Lie

Imagine this: you’re going about your normal, everyday life. The sun is shining, the birds are singing, and there isn’t a care in the world. Perhaps you’ve done something bad in the past—but the past is past, despite the fact that it was literally five minutes ago and literally nothing has changed. Like, that’s not even the past at this point. It’s literally the present, and—

Getting off track. So you screwed up. It’s not a big deal—you can hide it! Nothing's wrong. Everything is A-OK! Until that dreaded moment. Maybe you get a call. Maybe you hear it from someone else. Maybe someone tells you when you get home. But it doesn't matter how you heard the news—it still reached your ears. What’s the news?

Mom is disappointed in you. God, how did it come to this? Mom? MOM? MOMMY? This is a betrayal of the highest order. You can never make up the colossal disappointment that is yourself to your mother. It’s so bad, how did you even get to this moment? Jesus, get it together! This isn’t the end of the world! Maybe you didn’t even like your mom! 

Ignore that. Of course you like your mom. Unless you don’t. Then click off, idiot—this is for mom lovers only. Getting back on track after your really embarrassing interruption, here’s what to do now that your mom is disappointed in you. 

## Number 1!
Beg God for mercy, because although there’s a chance your mom will forgive you and stop being so disappointed, you will never be able to forgive yourself. Guilt is a sin (don’t look it up, just trust me, bro). So when you’re sent to the pits of hell, you will have to pray that God takes mercy on your soul and forgive you.

## Number 2!
Only say these exact words: 

*“I'M SORRY I'M SORRY I'M SORRY I'M SORRY I'M SORRY I'M SORRY I'M SORRY I'M SORRY I'M SORRY I'M SORRY I'M SORRY I'M SORRY  I'M SORRY I'M SORRY…” *

Repeat them over and over again until you’re red in the face! Don’t worry about the dark spots in your vision; that means the apology is working. Your mom will be so desperate for you to stop that she’ll forgive you!
 
Now let's say that you’re a pathetic loser who can’t earn forgiveness after all that work. These are the  steps you should take to earn Mommy’s forgiveness. For these steps, it is imperative that you remember that this is about you, not me, no matter how much it may seem like it’s about me. I am a pleasure to have around, and I would never disappoint my mom. Right, Mom? Mom? MOM? WHERE ARE YOU?!?

So You've Disappointed Your Mom, Now What?

We’ve all been there, walking around in public when suddenly you realize that your shoelaces are untied. You crouch down on the floor and begin to tie your shoelace. And every time you have to deal with the judgment.

If you tie your shoe crouched on the ground people will judge you and call you a beta for getting so close to the floor. And they’re right. What are you DOING? You want to be an Alpha right? So what are you doing getting so close to the ground, the ground which is below you? You are above the floor and superior to it so don’t stoop down to its level, step on it and remind it you are better than it.

"Well, how can I properly tie my shoes so I can stop being a silly little beta?"🥺 I can hear you asking. Well, I’ll show you. Now here are four ways to tie your shoes like an Alpha. The last two methods require telekinesis, so if you’re interested in using them and don’t know telekinesis, be sure to check out my ten-hour podcast on how to perform telekinesis. Link in bio.

## 1. Wall Supported
This is the easiest method on the list. You may have used this method to tie your shoes. All you have to do is put your foot on the wall, and tie your shoe while your foot is on the wall. Simple.

## 2. No Support
This method is slightly more difficult. To do the no-support method you need to hold up the foot with the untied laces and tie them as you balance yourself on one leg. The balance bit is hard to get the hang of, but if you follow the ten-week workout plan on my website, you too can balance on one foot like a pro. 😎

## 3. Telekinesis (Floor Edition)
This is the easiest of the telekinesis methods of tying your shoe. You will stare down at your untied shoelaces and use the power of your mind to tie them over a 5-hour period.  

## 4.Telekinesis (Ceiling Edition)
This method only works if you are indoors, and it is perfect for showing off at a party. To start off,
rapidly move your head up toward the ceiling, and then down toward the floor. After about a minute, you should start to develop a headache. This is completely normal and part of the process. After a while, you should feel yourself falling and your vision going black, but don’t worry—this means your telekinesis powers are moving your body to the ceiling. You should wake up sometime later after this happens, though your shoelaces may or may not be tied.


How to Tie Your Shoes

When I first heard the talk of my lovely homeland, Canada, becoming the 51st state of America I screamed, “Hearsay!” But when my mother calmed me down she took my hand and told me it was true. Trump, the real deal president, was actually trying to purchase our northern neighbor. 

But then I realized something crazy. Trump can’t have Canada, cause she’s mine. Yup, that’s right, I already own the damn place. And Justin Trudeau is A-OK with it. 

Let me tell you how it happened. So there I was, in my living room, wondering what to do with the money I got from the bank. It was a large sum that I got from the basement of a fancy bank in Manhattan and so I wanted to spend it wisely. I had to do a lot of sneaky things to get it but my mother told me that telling people to “get on the floor” is  how she always withdraws money from her accounts. 

The money filled up every room of my house so I bought another small Manhattan penthouse to go to where I could think about what to spend my fortune on. And then it struck me. Canada. Who wouldn’t want to own ten provinces and three territories in one of the coldest, least densely populated places in the world? 

After I was enlightened with this idea, I sought out a method to acquire the beaver-filled land. First, I looked on Amazon, but the only countries they sell there are Cyprus and Micronesia. I thought, go big or go home, but I couldn’t go home cause my couch was covered in dough, so I scrolled past those and went to eBay. I thought I’d found something, but it was just a magnet of Canada. 

Naturally, after my fruitless search, I called up Justin Trudeau and I said:
“I’d like to take it off your hands.”
“What off my hands?”
“Canada.”
And then he sighed very loudly so the earth shook and replied. “I’m quitting anyway. Maple-syrup land is all yours.”

I thanked him, asked him when I could pick it up, and hung up the phone. 

That’s basically how I became King of Canada. 

If Trump wants to get Canada from me, he’ll have to find me chilling atop the highest mountain peak in Alberta and pry the nation from my cold dead hands. 


Back off Trump, She’s Mine (Canada)

It’s real and it’s here to stay. Block blast! was introduced in late 2022 and has since skyrocketed in popularity in all spheres (and cubes) of life. Not only are the commuters on the subway playing the colorful game but the conductor of the subway is also tapping away at their iPhone. 

“Drag, drop, repeat” has become a popular mantra for these mindless block blasters, forcing experts to ask; When does it become an addiction? Well, we asked a few people for their thoughts. 

———

Joey: I used to only play it in the day but now I play it at night too.

*WOW, Joey. Ok, slow down. At night too?? You’re a real rebel, Joey.*

Jilly: I have hallucinations of the block blast board on my ceiling and I play it as I fall asleep like Beth Harmon in The Queen's Gambit.

*Chill Jilly, you’re no Beth Harmon. She was a redhead so you don’t want that anyhow.*

Josh: I ate my brother's Lego set because it reminded me of the game and I just couldn’t hold myself back.

*Jesus, I hope you apologized. Really makes me feel like the kids who eat play-dough aren’t as stupid as I thought. Also, I feel like we skipped a beat between “addicted to Block Blast” to “eating plastic.” This may be a pre existing problem.*

*P.S. Is eating them more or less painful than stepping on them?*

Jakwelin: My screen time is 25 hours a day on block blast and my mother disowned me.

*I would disown you too but only because you broke the laws of the space-time continuum.*

Jim Bob: I spend my days slotting blocks. At lunch, at yogurt class, at my great uncle's second funeral, I just can’t stop.

*Not sure what yogurt class is. Do you make yogurt, eat it, or neither? What do you mean by second funeral? Is English not your first language? If so, perhaps Duolingo should be your app of choice over Block Blast.*

Joo Lee Uh: The 3 by 3 block is tattooed onto my corneas. 

*I can’t tell if you mean by choice or because you’ve been staring at the game for so long. Either way, phonetically spelling your name has never and will never be in style.*

Jason Derulo: I know I’m falling into the famous-person-addict lifestyle and for that, I’m truly…

*And he’s started playing Block Blast. Another great one is lost to the blocks.* 

James, Lebron: Balling? More like block blasting!
 
Kevin: I hate the stupid game. I work day and night blasting endless blocks and get paid nothing. The makers of this game are ungrateful wannabes. You know that Block Puzzle was around first?? That’s the real og. Also, Block Blast always tries to make me lose. What’s up with that huh? You knew I couldn’t place that zig-zaggy block and you gave it to me anyway! You worthless piece of—

*Ok Kevin, let's get you to bed.*  

———

Well folks, it’s up to you; are these people addicted? And is it a problem? 

Therapists around the world are debating these questions every second. Some say the dopamine rushes you get from clearing a row are unhealthy while others say that the wave of rage that washes over you when you know you’re about to lose cleanses your soul more thoroughly than reaching nirvana (I asked Buddha and he said so. We’re pals). 

My opinion, you ask? Do what makes you happy. For some people that’s spending time with family, touching grass, and creating long-lasting memories. For other people it’s clearing 32 blocks in a single move, getting an “all clear”, and hearing an unsettling voice say “good” or “amazing.” I mean, we’re all unique beings at the end of the day, right? 

Let’s even take another step back. Is being addicted to Block Blast really that bad? You can learn colors, spatial reasoning, anger mismanagement, and tons of other things from the game. You might even learn to count to a million! And even if your high score never exceeds ten thousand and your IQ drops to the lowest of lows, you’ll always have community with Joey, Jilly, Josh, Jakwelin, Jim Bob, Joo Lee uh, Jason, James (Lebron), and Kevin. 

So block blast away my friends, and reach for the stars (Because you’ll never get there for real because NASA doesn’t hire people who willfully rotted their brains away—maybe SpaceX does?)


Block Blast: An Addiction

6:35 am

Wake up and feel the fear of God sink into my bones. Another day, not another victory for the OG. Why? Because I have to go to English class. 

6:50 am

Wash my face in glacier water because senioritis makes it too hard to use both taps. 

7:00 am

Eat banana bread. Now this may be the highlight of the day. The way it collects on the roof of my mouth in a mushy mass is just…delectable. 

7:25 am

The literal Oregon trail. I feel like I’m going to die of dysentery every day on my walk to the G train. 

7:35 am

On the train. Should I do every single New York Times game right now? Yes. Frick that Duolingo streak. 

8:05 am

Arrive disgustingly on time to my first class instead of dilly-dallying and then telling the teacher my train entered another dimension on the way to school and that’s why I’m late. 

8:20 am

Relearn how to read an analog clock to see how much longer I have to scribble incoherencies on my notebook from 9th grade. 

8:41 am 

Admire the weirdly amazing picture of an airplane I drew in the margins and contemplate becoming an art major. 

8:43 am

Never mind, I choose life. 

9:32 am

Second period done. I think I’m about ready to leave now considering I learned everything there is to know about physics. 

Work and energy, amirite?

11:03 am

This life is a prison—only the bars are double-sided, legal-sized sheets of paper with math on them. 

And by math, I don’t mean the fun “1+1” stuff. . I mean the scary, unfriendly numbers—the math with letters. The "the right answer is a decimal" stuff. 

11:20 am

Asked my economics teacher why we can’t just print more money and three people ended up dead. 

12:00 pm

Lunchtime! 

12:37 pm 

Show my stolen lock to the bouncer in front of the locker room and get absolutely dripped out in my gym uniform. 

1:18 pm

Walking out of gym feeling like the LeBron of badminton. 

1:30 pm

Marinate in my major classroom while I inhale the concrete dust that coats every surface in the civil room. It fills my lungs and cures my senioritis. 

1:50 pm 

Look out the window longingly. 

2:10 pm

By this time of the day I have lived five full lifetimes. I can’t even remember what my first-period teacher looks like anymore. 

2:50 pm

Crawl to my last class. 

3:20 pm 

Calculate how many minutes are left and draw little fun shapes on AutoCAD because I am supposedly the future of engineering. 

3:34 pm

Finally free from the education demons! I leave school knowing my notes are chicken scratch, my brain is shrinking and I have a lung disease from dust inhalation. 



The Radish

The Radish

Which Zootopia Character Are You?

More Articles: Feast on these!

New York Times Unveils Hardest Game Yet: Two Trumps And A Lie

So You've Disappointed Your Mom, Now What?

How to Tie Your Shoes