Have you tried useless monotropic diets like the rhubarb diet, cabbage soup diet, grapefruit diet, cookie diet, meat diet, baby food diet, IV diet, the protein shake diet, etc, and didn't turn into a beautiful Sky Radish? Well, forget about those other diets and try the one and only Radish Only Diet!!! (It’s better because it’s a proper noun).

Unlike the other aforementioned diets, the Radish Only Diet!!! is guaranteed to turn you into a 3.5 foot tall, 3 eyed, winged Sky Radish. After 10 months of consistently following this diet you should become fully fledged with the power of flight, telepathy, and clairvoyance. Not only does the Radish Only Diet help you quickly become a Sky Radish, it also helps you become one in a healthy way–as opposed to the only other known method, which requires several tons of uranium. The Radish Only Diet provides the human body with vitamins: A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O, P, Q, R, S, T, U, V, W, X, Y, Z, (& now I know my ABC’s, next time won’t you sing with me), which are all vital to transformation without experiencing acute organ failure in the process.

Now you may be wondering how you could possibly eat a diet of only radishes without eating raw radishes for every meal. Well, here at Radmir Mart Inc. we offer a wide range of prepared radish “food” products to make your dieting experience as tasty as possible!

For breakfast we have Radish Crunch™ cereal, Naked Radish™ juice (which is 100% natural but still extra sweet with 1000 grams of sugar in every 8 oz bottle), and Red Pastures Dairy™ milk which comes from free range, American Compost Fed Association, USDA organic, natural, American Humane Certified, Certified Humane, Global Plant Partnership, and Plant Welfare approved “Radish” farms. We also offer “foods” for the other two meals of the day: lunch and dinner. What do you mean you want a snack product? That’s ridiculous, Sky Radishes don’t snack.

For lunch we have Loaves of Dried Radishes™. No, they are not not sliced. Do it yourself. We also have circular slices of congealed radish paste, which is an off menu item at our deli counter. To order it, whisper the code word “radam” (pronounced Raa-dumb) in the cashier’s ear and you will be offered circular slices of hardened radish paste at a price that is entirely at the cashier’s discretion.

One of the dinner products we offer is Radish Root flavored Radmir’s Rad Raddy Soup™. We also offer Radish Leaf flavored Radmir’s Rad Raddy Soup. Our third dinner product is Radmir’s Rad Raddy Soup™ in Radish Flower flavor. I could go on.

So come on!!! What are you waiting for? Head on over to your local Radmir Mart Inc. and start your Radish Only Diet journey!!!

This "article" was brought to you by Radmir Mart Inc.